BUSINESS FAILURES

Did you hear about the''

*Paper company that folded?
*Brake company on the skids?
*Bra manufacturers that went bust?
*Surgeon forced to take a salary cut?
*Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
*Baker who was short of dough?
*Refrigerator manufacturer with frozen assets?
*Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
*Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
*Adhesive tape company in a sticky situation?
*Tennis ball manufacturer who ended up in court?
*Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
*Train company that went off the rails?
*Ship builders that sunk?
*Dental practice rotten to its roots?
*Concrete manufacturer whose liquidity set solid?
*Nurseryman who got planted?
*Lawyer who contracted?
*Accountant who was unbalanced?

CHILDBIRTH

Questions every expectant couple want to know about but are afraid to ask.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is
she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.

CLASSIC CLASSIFIEDS

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

COW LESSONS

Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow:

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

GOLFING GREATNESS

The Unwritten Principles of the Game(?) of Golf

*If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

*The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

*Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

*When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

*Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.

*No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

*Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

*When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

*If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

*The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

*The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

*If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

*Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

*Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

*A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

*It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.

*Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

*Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

*The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

*There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

*You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

*Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

*If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

*To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.

*There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.

*Hazards attract, fairways repel.

*You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

*A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

*If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

*Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

GOOD(?) NEWS

*** The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

*** They say the house didn't float very far at all.

*** The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.

*** Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.

*** The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

*** The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

*** The thieves left the push lawnmower and hedge trimmers.

*** Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

*** The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

KID'S TEST PAPERS

These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."

15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."

20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

21. "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn foetus, but that is a large misconception."

22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

23. "Germinate: To become a naturalised German."

24. "Litter: A nest of young puppies."

25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

29. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."

34. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

KITCHEN SIGNS

Signs found in the some of the best kitchens''

*^* So this isn't 'Home Sweet Home' ' Adjust! *^*

*^* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer - do it yourself! *^*

*^* I clean the house every other day. This is the other day! *^*

*^* If you write in the dust, please don't date it! *^*

*^* I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! *^*

*^* My house was clean last week ' too bad you missed it! *^*

*^* I came, I saw, I decided to eat out. *^*

*^* If you don't like my standards of cooking'. lower your standards! *^*

*^* Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. *^*

*^* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious! *^*

*^* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. *^*

*^* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. *^*

*^* Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they will never cease to be amused. *^*

*^* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. *^*

*^* My next house will have no kitchen ' just vending machines. *^*

*^* I'd live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump. *^*

MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING

@ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

@ When you get to the point that you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.

@ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

@ When the going gets tough ' upgrade.

@ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

@ To err is human'. To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human - it is downright natural.

@ If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

@ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

@ The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

@ It is amazing how often there is a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IN THE USA

And in most other countries too!

$$$ If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

$$$ If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked.

$$$ If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company.

$$$ If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

$$$ If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

$$$ If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

$$$ If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

$$$ And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

$$$ God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.

PROCRASTINATION

The procrastinator's creed.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organised.

PROJECT TERMS

A Dictionary ''

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties'
We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough'
Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research'
It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured'
We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalised in the next reporting period'
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying'
It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem'
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive'
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned'
The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties'
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

SENSATIONAL SIGNS

Genuine signs seen'.

' On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

' On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

' Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.

' At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

' Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
Hello. Can we pick your nose?

' On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

' In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

' On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.

' At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

' On a taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.

' In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

' On a fence:
Salesmen welcome: Dog food is expensive.

' At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

' Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

' In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.

' In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.

' In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

SOCCER COMMENTARIES

Match commentaries designed to inspire and enthuse'.

' Well. Its Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

' He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

' And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

' With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

' Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour; almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

' If that had gone on , it would definitely have been a goal.

' Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be somewhere else.

' I am a firm believer that if a team scores a goal, the other needs to score two to win.

' If a team scores early on it often takes an early lead.

' You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance (empty!!) your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

COMPUTER ACRONYMS

For the supposedly computer literate:

ISDN <*@> It Still Does Nothing
APPLE <*@> Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI <*@> System Can't See It
DOS <*@> Defective Operating System
BASIC <*@> Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM <*@> I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM <*@> Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 <*@> Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW <*@> World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH <*@> Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM <*@> Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL <*@> Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS <*@> Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO <*@> Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT <*@> Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

CAT COMMANDMENTS

'Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.'

'Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.'

'Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.'

'Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor, as thou are not transparent.'

'Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.'

'Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.'

'Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.'

'Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.'

'Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.'

'Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.'

'Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt
fall in and trap thyself.'

'Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.'

'Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.'

'Thou shalt realise that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.'

'Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.'

'Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.'

'Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.'

'Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.'

WOULDN'T THE PERFECT MOTHER SAY?

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed
and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like
I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

HOW 'PROPER' IS YOUR ENGLISH?

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one...

31. Proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

THE TRUE MEANING OF CAR NAMES

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Bought My Wife
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix It All the Time
FORD - First On Rust and Deterioration
GM - General Maintenance
GMC - Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA - Too Often Yanks Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW - Virtually Worthless

THE EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT

Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others
(Matthew 7:1).

Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the
way you want, but it will work out (Romans 8:28).

Band Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's
(Colossians 3:12-14).

Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings everyday (Ephesians 1:3).

Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK (Genesis
50:15-21).

Chewing gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish
anything (Philippians 4:13).

Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your Heavenly Father
(John 3:16,17).

Candy kiss - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday (1
John 4:7).

Tea bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's
blessings (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

SIGNS YOU LIVE IN 2002

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her Web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a screensaver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a Web site address at the bottom of
the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and sells for
half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around
to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on
your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this; even worse, you're going to forward it to someone
else!
--Selected from The Good, Clean Funnies List: http://www.gcfl.net/

ACADEMIC PHRASES AND MEANINGS

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience"... once

"In case after case"... twice

"In a series of cases"... thrice

"It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.

You can probably use some of these or variations!

FAT THEOLOGY

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
&
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

COMPUTER TERM DICTIONARY

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G4: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer
and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a
Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your soda on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Laptop: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on
business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN

* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
* Wearing white is always appropriate.
* Winter is the best of the four seasons.
* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
* We're all made up of mostly water.
* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
* Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

HELLO!

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, Press 2.

To complain about what we do, Press 3.

To verbally abuse our staff members, Press 4.

To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.

To complain about school lunches, Press 0.

If you realize that this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, please hang up and have a nice day!

Subject: SEC: UNCLASSIFIED:-LIVING IN THE 01'S

*************> Be sure to read the disclaimer at the end...************************
LIVING IN THE 01'S

You know you're living in the 01's when: -

1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11.You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17.Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19.Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

22.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

24.It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25.You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

26.This e-mail has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward it anyway.


IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no
hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

THE RULES.....

1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to change these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

HENPECKED HUSBANDS.....from Daily-Humor

He wears the pants in the house -- under his apron.

He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.

She leads a double life -- hers and his.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

She doesn't have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word - he says, "I apologize".

He was a man about town, she's turned him into a mouse around the house.

The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.

He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued.

He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.

She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.

She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.

He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Every once in a while she comes to him on her bended knees. When she dares him to come out from under the bed.

COMMENTS FROM 1957.....from arizona_humor

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous..

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They're even making electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.

I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we're electing the best people to congress."

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, they can forget it.

VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES

His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.Winnie Bay Gogh

THE COUCH POTATO OLYMPICS

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing your pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing your weight around
7) Dragging your heels
8) Pushing your luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces

TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOU ARE A NEW DAD

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.

7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

5) Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main colour.

2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"

And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:

1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple top-10-style joke email.

HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE.....

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

EVOLUTION OF MUM (MOM)

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

NEW DIET RULES

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. eg. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. eg. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. eg. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

BUT DOES OUR CREATOR AGREE?

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE 'WEBBED OUT'

Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

Your dog has his own Web page and so does your hamster.

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

ASSOCIATED HYMNS

Often music will describe for us better than any other medium, the stuff of life. With this in mind check out the following list of hymns.
 The chiropractor's hymn - STAND UP, STAND UP.
 The electricians hymn - SEND THE LIGHT.
 The poor person's hymn - I CARE NOT FOR RICHES.
 The rainmaker's hymn - SHOWERS OF BLESSING
 The surgical patient's hymn - I LONG TO BE PERFECTLY WHOLE.
 The day you find out you're pregnant hymn - O HAPPY DAY.
 The day you find out you're NOT pregnant hymn - O HAPPY DAY.
 The Mountain Home Builder's Association hymn - MY HOUSE IS BUILT UPON A ROCK
 My kid's getting even with me hymn - O THEY TELL ME OF A HOME.
 The ranger station hymn - ON A HILL FAR AWAY.
 The physical therapist hymn - ONE STEP AT A TIME.
 The divorced person's hymn - OUT OF MY BONDAGE.
 The WIDE LOAD hymn - PASS ME NOT.
 The rescuer's hymn - SEEKING THE LOST.
 The fisherman's hymn - SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER.
 The last payment hymn - SINCE I CAN READ MY TITLE CLEAR.
 The seamstress hymn - SOWING IN THE MORNING.
 The dater's hymn - THE NIGHT IS FAST PASSING.
 The thirsty person's hymn - THERE IS A FOUNTAIN.
 The slingshot hymn - THERE IS A ROCK.
 The telephone repairman's hymn - THERE'S A CALL COMES RINGING.
 The dieter's hymn - THOU, MY EVER LASTING PORTION.
 The chain gang hymn - GO LABOR ON.
 The hiker's hymn - WALKING IN THE SUNLIGHT.
 The car accident hymn - WE SAW THEE NOT.
 The lawyer's hymn - WHEN ALL MY LABORS AND TRIALS ARE OVER.
 The street crossing guard hymn - WHY DO YOU WAIT?
 The prisoner's hymn - WOULD YOU BE FREE?
 The home builder's hymn - A MIGHTY FORTRESS
 The parade master's hymn - FLING OUT THE BANNER.
 The weatherman's hymn - FROM EVERY STORMY WIND THAT BLOWS
 The Darning Association's hymn - HOLY, HOLY, HOLY.
 The Girdle Association's hymn - HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION.
 The caterer's hymn - ALL THINGS ARE READY, COME TO THE FEAST.
 The salesman's hymn - ALMOST PERSUADED.
 The insurance man's hymn - BLESSED ASSURANCE.
 The cowboy's hymn - DAY IS DYING IN THE WEST.
 The accountant's hymn - EARTH HOLDS NO TREASURES.
 The traveler's hymn - FAR AND NEAR.
 The scuba diver's hymn - FAR AWAY IN THE DEPTHS.
 The whisperer's hymn - HARK! THE GENTLE VOICE.
 The whining spouse hymn - HAVE THINE OWN WAY.
 The wagon master's hymn - HE LEADETH ME.
 The hearing aid salesman's hymn - HEAR THE SWEET VOICE.
 The lost traveler's hymn - HERE WE ARE BUT STRAYING PILGRIMS.
 The oxen hymn - HIS YOKE IS EASY.
 The new kid in the class hymn - I AM A STRANGER HERE.
 The rookie hang glider's hymn - I AM DWELLING ON THE MOUNTAIN.
 The Vegetable Grower's Association hymn - I COME TO THE GARDEN ALONE.
 The explorer's hymn - I HAVE HEARD OF A LAND.
 The watch repairman's hymn - I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR.
 The Job Service hymn - I WANT TO BE A WORKER.
 The ironing lady's hymn - I'M PRESSING ON.
 The distiller's hymn - I REACHED THE LAND OF CORN AND WINE.
 The lost dog hymn - I'VE WANDERED FAR.
 The half time Alaska hymn - IN THE LAND OF FADELESS DAY.
 The birthday hymn - IS IT FOR ME?
 The night watchman's hymn - IT MAY BE AT MORN.
 The nervous groom's hymn - JUST A FEW MORE DAYS.
 The perfect person's hymn - JUST AS I AM.
 The drunkard's hymn - LEAD ME GENTLY HOME.
 The psychiatrist hymn - LET US WITH A GLADSOME MIND.
 The pie maker's hymn - PEACE, PERFECT PEACE.
 The Gold Collector's Association hymn - PURER YET AND PURER.
 The Rock Collector's Association hymn - ROCK OF AGES.
 The dynamite specialist hymn - SAFELY THROUGH ANOTHER WEEK.
 The race car hymn - SPEED AWAY.
 The payment book hymn - WE GIVE THEE BUT THINE OWN.
 The escaped convict's hymn - FLEE AS A BIRD.
 The coal miner's hymn - SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS SHINING.

THE 15 TOP BIBLICAL WAYS TO GET A WIFE

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deut 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Jud 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Gen 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Gen 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Cor 7:32-35)

WHAT GOD IS LIKE

God is a little like General Electric
He lights your path.

God is a little like Bayer Aspirin
He works wonders.

God is a little like Hallmark Cards
He cared enough to send the very best.

God is a little like Tide
He gets out the stains that others leave behind.

God is a little like VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is a little like Dial Soap
Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish >everyone did?

God is a little like Sears
He has everything.

God is a little like Alka Seltzer
Oh, what a relief He is!

God is a little like Scotch Tape

You can't see Him but you know He's there!

God is a little like The Copper Top Battery
Nothing can outlast him.

God is a little like American Express
Don't leave home without Him!

YOU MIGHT BE A PARENT OF TEENS

By Lee Seese
...if your blood pressure is higher than your weekly income.
...if you thought "Dawson's Creek" was a Monopoly property.
...if your kids can't stand listening to your 8-tracks.
...if your favorite prayer is "Come quickly, Lord Jesus."
...if you thought "Smashing Pumpkins" was a Halloween prank.
...if your favorite sayings are:
"When I was your age..."
"Money doesn't grow on trees!"
"Because I'm your Mother/Father!"

You might have a teenage daughter if her curfew is 6pm and she
can start dating at 28.

You might have teenage drivers if your car insurance is the
same as the National Debt.

You might be a father of teens if you are losing your hair
and hearing; and lost your patience long ago.

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS

The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

Leakproof thermoses - will.

The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]

Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

TEENAGERS AND CATS

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their
direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

POLICE QUOTES

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

EIGHT GIFTS THAT COST NOTHING

1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a
life.

5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, Hello or Thank You.

RECIPE FOR MIRACLES

INGREDIENTS
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren't
1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have

INSTRUCTIONS
Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using
faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the
outcome until finely blended.

Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.

Bake until Blessed.
Give thanks again

YIELD
Unlimited servings