BABIES FOR SALE

A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.

At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.

Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"

A WEIGHTY MATTER

Somewhat sceptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.

"They're not cheap either," the father came back.

"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

TASTY NEWS TRAVELS FAST

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

"What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I just heard you had some really great cookies.

GUMMED UP

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

A NATURAL POSE

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

FOOT COVER RULES

Visiting our son during his freshman year, we were shocked by the mess in his room: clothes, books, and rubbish lay everywhere.

Later, over dinner, we tried to touch on the informal versus formal dress codes that life after college might require. Our son, however, shared his own firmly held dress code guidelines:

1. Informal: socks not required
2. Semiformal: two socks required
3. Formal: both socks must match

EVER HELPFUL

One day my brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.

Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.

The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.

At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart.

Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, but I was using it to lean on."

SHOOT ONE - SHOOT 'EM ALL!

Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get home late with the excuse "I had to shoot a car wreck," or "I had to shoot a football game."

Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor."

TOUCHE!

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying:

"We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming:

"We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying:

"We make the best violins on the block."

PLANE REIN?

At the Olympics in Barcelona, some of the locals were entered in equestrian events. Other contestants were surprised to note that the Spanish riders guided their horses with so much slack in the reins that they actually hung down across the horses' necks.

When asked why they preferred such a relaxed stance, the locals proudly announced.......

"The reins in Spain fall plainly on the mane."

IRRESISTIBLE

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

NOT SO 'GOOD FRIDAY'

Here's a true story that happened to a friend's father: He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!"

It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and
sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny."

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

CHARACTERISED?

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

REVENGE!

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbour.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

A QUICK NAP

Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practised his new reading skills by calling out road signs.

He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone. "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."

LOCKED UP

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked but, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."

A BIG TEST ANSWERED

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

RE: REJECTED REJECTION

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, Marc Taylor

A FAIRY WIFE

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter
that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

A RARE MOMENT!

My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."

NOT A TOUR GUIDE

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked a ship's officer what it was called. "It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out myself. I spotted our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he'd said, "Sumdum Glacier."

REAL BRAVERY

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.

The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames.

The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions...

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.

Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded. "The very first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

HOW WE DRIVE ROUND HERE

My brother, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the island's chaotic traffic, and asked the hotel keeper why it was so disorderly.

"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained the hotelier. "Here we drive in the shade."

IN CONTROL?

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk laboured to get the new cash register to co-operate. At one point she wailed, "Oh no, NOW what do I do? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundred seventy-four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale!"

Surprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: We are currently doing battle with our new computer for control of the store - We appreciate your patience!

HOW FAST?

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.

My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put: "Full Gallop."

PROBLEMS?

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

HIGH STRESS

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

BE SURE YOUR SINS WILL CATCH YOU OUT!

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

CREAM DE LA CREAM!

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

ITS ALL IN THE WAY YOU SAY IT

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on.

He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue."

A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

HEALTH CLUB MEMBERSHIP

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

V*A*C*A*T*I*O*N

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief.

As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

PRISON BREAK-IN

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to the once famous Alcatraz prison. Others in the tour group watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, punched one another, and constantly aggravated everyone around them. The frazzled parents tried everything they could to get the kids to stop, all with no success at all.

Finally, as they reached the ticket window, the exasperated father said: "Five tickets, please - Two round trip, and three one way."

MORNING MORNING SICKNESS

The neighbor dropped in on her friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."

"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."

NO WAY!

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out.

My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed a sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

TIMELESS ENTERTAINMENT!

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."

CONSIDERATION?

When workmen came to demolish our old porch and build a new one, they had a number of power tools that needed to be plugged into the outlet in our house. Each morning we'd open the door for them to slip an extension cord through the mail slot, and later in the day they would unplug it. Early one afternoon they knocked on the door to say they had to rent a piece of equipment that was available only at 7 a.m. the next morning.

"Ma'am, if you don't mind," said one of the men, "we'd like to leave this cord through the mail slot tonight so we won't have to wake you up when we plug in the jackhammer in the morning."

IN THE ROUTINE

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

BROTHERS, MAY I

A man from the big city was driving out to Vermont to visit an old friend. Hopelessly lost, he pulled his sports coupe up to a group of men sitting out in front of a small country store to get directions.

Leaning out the car's window, he said, "I want to go to Bennington."

There was silence. Then one of the men slowly took his pipe out of his mouth and replied, "We have no objections."

WAITRESS

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"

Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

TECHNOLOGY

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

BE PREPARED

In England a gang hired a man to drive their getaway car for a series of bank robberies. As the gang came fleeing out of bank with the loot the man panicked and caused the car to stall.

It was later revealed that not only did the man not have a driver's license, he had never operated a vehicle.

NO STAIRS

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

AN APPLE A DAY

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

CHECKING FOR LEAKS

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No ... just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

PRAYING ON DUTY

The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but about 4 a.m. his head fell forward and he went to sleep.

He awakened to see the feet of the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then slowly raising his head he reverently said, "A-a-amen!"

BORROW!

Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.

When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, "Keep it. I'll borrow it when I need it."

I was turning away when his eyes lit up. "Hey," he asked, "want to borrow my car?"

ALL LIT UP!

When Edward M. Karrmann, insurance president, celebrated his 60th birthday, neighbors from a hotel across the street from his Indianapolis office sent over two bottles of champagne and a birthday cake. When Karrmann opened the box containing the cake, he found an apologetic note from the hotel management saying that they didn't have 60 birthday candles.

Instead, in the middle of the cake was a 60-watt light bulb.