PET ALARM

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed... He sleeps with his dog."

HOW YOUR DOG OWNS YOU

You believe every dog is a lap dog.

If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

MEN AND DOGS THE SAME?

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.

DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN!

How dogs are better than men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

BUT BETTER THAN A WOMAN TOO!

A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.

10 TOP CAT THOUGHTS

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?

5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

DAY NO. 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAIRY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. (Must try this at the top of the stairs.) In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. (Must try this on their bed.)

TABBY OR NOT TABBY

Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
A: Tabby or not tabby !

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look !

Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
A: Shredded tweet !

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A: cat-a-log !

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'

Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!

MIND GAMES TO PLAY WITH HUMANS

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS FOR CAT OWNERS

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.

- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food

- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

INDEPENDENT?

In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up. One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"

FAMOUS DOG QUOTES

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the
need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." Dave
Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read." Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." Aldous
Huxley

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before
lying down." Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives." Sue Murphy

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery
store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
the greatest hunters on earth!" Anne Tyler

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS I LEARNED FROM MY CAT!

* Be finicky - they'll try harder to please you.
* Give attitude - get attention.
* If you don't like your presents, SULK.
* If you get bored at your party - just curl up for a nap.
* Don't stress out over your first grey whisker
* Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.
* Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you're allowed to hiss and spit.
* Take the day off and lie in the sun.
* Stay out on the prowl all night long.
* Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.
* It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.
* Act catty - toy with your presents before you tear them open.
* Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.
* If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody's leg.
* Don't let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!

And remember...curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't!

WHAT OUR DOGS DO FOR US

* Pull sleds.
* Make us smile.
* Catch Frisbees.
* Listen to our singing.
* Help us to live longer.
* Keep our homes safe.
* Star in our home videos.
* Test how fast we can run.
* Take us out on rainy days.
* Agree with everything we say.
* Help lower our blood pressure.
* Make our hearts more vigorous.
* Alert us to the arrival of the mail.
* Warm our knees with their chins.
* Warm up our beds on cold nights.
* Provide us use for old tennis balls.
* Get us outside on beautiful fall days.
* Signal when a thunderstorm is coming.
* Teach our children about responsibility.
* Take us outdoors on snowy winter days.
* Keep a lonely night from being truly lonely.
* Teach us the meaning of unconditional love.
* Keep the squirrels from overtaking our yards.
* Treat us like celebrities when we come home.

MORE EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! A BACON TREAT! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 am - OH BOY! MY CHEW TOY! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! TABLE SCRAPS! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! DADDY! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! A BACON TREAT! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 am - OH BOY! MY CHEW TOY! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! TABLE SCRAPS! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! DADDY! MY FAVORITE!

LIFE'S LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

! If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
! Don't go out without ID.
! Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
! Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
! Always give people a friendly greeting.
! When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

MORE EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAIRY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal and some slop from a tin. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may vandalise another table leg.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induce myself to vomit a furball on their favorite chair... moderate success. For greater impact I must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DEAR GOD

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we lay on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name, please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

MORE ABOUT CATS

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

THE CAT TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY:

CAT PHRASE - MEANING

Miaow - Feed me.

meeow - Pet me.

mrooww - I love you.

miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow - I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow - Play with me.

miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and
pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

THINGS DOGS HAVE TO REMEMBER

* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
* "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* We do not have a doorbell.
* I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

MORE DOG DAIRY DOODLINGS

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food they stuffed themselves with. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal cage, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

THE 12 DAYS OF "CATMAS"

On the twelve days of "Catmas" my humans gave to me ...

************ Twelve human hugs and kisses...
(Oh, quit it, you're embarrassing me!)

*********** Eleven minutes of scratching...
(Oh yeah, and it makes a nice cloud of flying fur!)

********** Ten balls of twine...
(Hey, are you trying to strangle me?)

********* Nine humans dancing...
(Obviously because of the hairballs I left next to the bed.)

******** Eight hairball toys...
(Wow, pretty authentic looking!)

******* Seven pet food covers...
(Nice, but you know I always eat the whole can at one time.)

****** Six floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmatians...
(Ugh! Do you think I'll get the other 95?)

***** Five small lattice balls...
(Gee, I love the noise they make on the floor at 3 am!)

**** Four furry mice...
(Hey, They're fake! How about a real one once in a while!)

*** Three nuggets of Pounce...
(Only three? Are you savin' the rest for next year?)

** Two catnip toys...
(Hehe! I bet I can wreck these in 60 seconds or less.)

* A carpeted cheesy home-made cat tree...
(Well, okay, but I'm not giving up sleeping on your bed.)

SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS ABOUT PETS

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a
good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake
up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult?

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.

* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.

* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it
from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

* Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.

* When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

FRIDAY

Our veterinarian gave us the following instructions for our cat Friday, who was scheduled for surgery: Don't give Friday any food after 8 P.M. on Wednesday. Bring Friday in first thing Thursday morning. You can pick Friday up on Thursday evening, but if you want,
Friday can also stay until Friday.

WHY A KITTEN IS BETTER THAN A BABY

Veterinarians have evening hours.

Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.

You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you're going to finance your kitten's college education.

No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

You only have to change the litter box once a day.

TEN THINGS CATS THINK ABOUT

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?

5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!

DOGS AND COMPUTERS - THE SAME OR DIFFERENT?

Dogs And Computers: Same Or Different?
----------------------------------
* Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

* After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

* Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

* Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

* Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

* Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

* Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows 2000"

* Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

* Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months

SERVICE WITH A SMILE

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

VIOLIN PRACTICE

Little Harold was practising the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

BE YOURSELF

President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His guests did, too. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the floor for the cat.

TEACHER'S PET

On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher said.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the clearly delighted boy answered. Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally ,"I give up, what is it?"

The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!"

LET YOUR DOG TEACH YOU

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
And MOST of all... When someone is having a badday, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

THINGS YOU ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT...

Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
A: Tabby or not tabby !

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look !

Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
A: Shredded tweet !

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A: cat-a-log !

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'

Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!

THE HIGH TECH CAT

By Beverly Bardsley

The modern world leaves me a wreck,
But not my kitty -- she's high tech!

When snoozing she prefers to nap
On my laptop, not my lap.

For exercise and to relax
She takes a stroll across the fax,

Then leaps to land on the computer --
The narrow top seems built to suit her.

She dusts the screen off with her tail
While I'm reading my e-mail.

When I'm sleeping peacefully
She checks phone messages for me,

Then looks at me as if to say,
"Well, the button was marked PLAY."

If she's feeling really bored
She hits the button for record --

Words not for a stranger's ear
Go on tape for all to hear.

But as a self-respecting cat
There's one gizmo she draws the line at.

Of all the gadgets in the house
There's one she'll never touch - the mouse!

MORE EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the hanging metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

FAMOUS DOG QUOTES

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." Rita
Rudner

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to
the idea." Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog
that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." Ben
Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the
dog did it."

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." Andrew A. Rooney

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I
am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." John Steinbeck

EXPENDABLE

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

THINGS TO REMEMBER AS A DOG

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive
cat/human relationship.

THE BOSS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

AT THE AUCTION

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think it was who kept bidding against you?"

WESTERN UNION

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "it would make no sense at all."

HOW MANY DOGS?

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and find
a more efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep
arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS: Don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two.
Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It's your lightbulb--change it yourself. Unless... is
there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!!

MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off
the chair.........

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb ,land. JUMP, replace bulb,
land.
Two: What lightbulb? So? We can play in the dark.

COCKER SPANIEL: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but
first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I
want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you
with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you
didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend
and doing that."

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point
it out--then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just 1, and he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's
inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let
me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you?
Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat,
protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll
add the lightbulb to my "To Do" list...."

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat ... no, you took too
long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it ... No, not that treat, the other
kind. Geez ... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the
look".)

IRISH SETTER: Only 1, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of
old light bulb ... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the
light bulb??????

CHIHUAHUA: You are asking me?......I DON'T THINK SO!.......

GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: HUH????

KITTEN CAPERS

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

PERFECT!

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the trainer wasn't
kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

DR CUTTER

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"A hundred and fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am.

DANGER!

A customer in a little country drug store noticed a sign with the words "Danger! Beware of Dog!" written on it. But instead of a well-trained watch dog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register.

He asked the owner of the store: "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?!"

"Yessiree, that's him," the owner replied.

The customer couldn't help but laugh. "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on Earth would you post that sign?"

"Because until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him."