MEMORIES OF WILLIAM

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms. "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the man. The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"

"She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"

"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost William also."

"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"

'RIB'ALD HUMOUR

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY!

*Phone conversations last 30 seconds
*You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
*A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
*Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
*You can open all your own jars
*Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
*When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
*You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
*You can go to the bathroom alone
*Your last name stays put
*You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
*You can kill your own food
*The garage is all yours
*You see the humoUr in "Terms of Endearment"
*Cleaning the toilet is optional
*You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
*Wedding plans take care of themselves
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
*Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
*None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
*You don't have to shave below your neck
*You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
*If you're 34 and single, no one notices
*Chocolate is just another snack
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
*You never have to worry about other's feelings
*Three pair of shoes are more than enough
*You can say anything and not worry about what people think
*You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
*Car mechanics tell you the truth
*You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
*You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
*One mood, all the time
*You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
*Gray hair and wrinkles add character
*Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
*You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
*You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
*The remote is yours and yours alone
*You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
*If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
*The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
*If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
*You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
*If you retain water, it is in a canteen
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
*Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything

GOODBYE MOTHER!

A couple were going out for the evening. After getting ready, they put the cat out on their way out of the house to get in the taxi.

The cat, however, had a different idea and scampered back inside before they could get out. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went on out to the taxi while the husband went back in to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver "My husband will be here in just a moment. He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he explained, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

WHOSE KID?

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mum, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake."I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mum," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

MY HEARINGS FINE!

A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

ALMOST READY

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

PURCHASING POWER

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

TOUCHE!

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

AN OLD ONE BUT STILL TRUE

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

CROSS COMMUNICATRION

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

FORWARD THINKING

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

NOT ONE THING

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

"Seven weeks," says the wife.

TWINS

The young wife had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

"Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

LATERAL THINKING

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

LION TAMING

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

ENTERTAINING

Mr & Mrs Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning the wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes - then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour - what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

WHAT COMES OFF GOES ON

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model INSIDE her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. It worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!

THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilliser.

The man asked, "How often do I take these."

"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor.
"They're for your wife."

FAITHFULNESS

An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside. "Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered.

"Yes, dear," she answered.

He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with me then too."

"Yes my dear," she responded again, so lovingly.

The man sighed and said, "I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!"

FAIR GO!

Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

SUPER BOWL DAY

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

THE DENTIST'S VISIT

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply pull the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

AN ACCURATE AUTOMOTIVE ANALYSIS

A wife experiences some car trouble and calls her husband at work.

WIFE: "Hey, honey. There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

MOST HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in a major city. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago," he stated unequivocally.

"Red meat is awful for your physical well-being. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables tainted with pesticides can be disastrous, and bread made from refined flour is terrible for you!"

The physician with a beef against food addressed the audience with a question. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said with certainty, "Wedding cake!"

NO LONGER NEEDED

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

FORBIDDEN TERRITORY

My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.

She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.

I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was,

"Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN

During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony.

All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

THE RING?

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR WOMEN SAY

 You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
 That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
 While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
 If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
 I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
 That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
 I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
 I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present!
 Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
 I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

JOB DESCRIPTION: A MOTHER!

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

WHERE WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

AN IMPORTANT CALL

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver.

"I'm talking to my wife."

SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next day the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5a.m. for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m., and that he had missed his flight!

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5 a.m., wake up."

FLY SWATTER

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing/" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

A BIG CAT!

The man's wife had a birthday coming and he wanted to know what she desired.

She said she'd like to have a big Jaguar.

He didn't think it was best for her.

But, she begged and begged until he gave in and got her a big one.

It ate her!

DEPENDS UPON YOURE PERSPECTIVE

Amy and Jamie are Old Friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

JUST STUPID

During a friendly argument, Jim asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation.

"Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

RULES THAT RULE PARENTS

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern mums and dads:

1. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

2. Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

3. The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

4. A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

5. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

6. A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year ... unless it is the only food in the fridge.

7. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

MAKING A MARRIAGE LAST

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

ONLY ONE

While I was taking a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party"

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

MARRIAGE QUOTES

Dedicated to those of you still pondering if marriage is right for you.

*** Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

*** Marriage certificate: just another word for a work permit.

*** Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

*** Getting married is very much like buying a car...
You get what you want, and when you see what the other guy has, you wish you had ordered that model instead.

*** When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it's called self-defense.

*** Bachelor: the ONLY man who has never told his wife a lie.

*** English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
(Now this is definite proof of useless legislation!)

*** Every woman wants a husband who is handsome, understanding, rich, and loving. But the law allows only one husband.

STATIC

"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."

The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.

"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."

THE PERFECT SHOT

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

MAKING MATTERS WORSE

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

IN WITH DAD

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mum is still in with dad."

MALE WISDOM

David: "I'm a man of few words."

Doug: "Yeah, I'm married, too."

JOEY

It was the first day of school and the kindergarten teacher was calling the roll and, incidentally, obtaining the required family data. She pointed to the first little boy. "Your name, please?"

"Joey Kaplan."

"And what is your father's name, Joey?"

"Papa."

The teacher hid a smile. "I didn't mean quite that. What does your mother call him?"

"Nothing," replied Joey promptly. "She likes him."