THE GOLF MATCH

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals “Mr.Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.   “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means." I

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that now does not."

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
 
Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

 
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

 

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

 

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

 

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

   
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
       

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

 

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

THE CENTIPEDE

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

which came in a little white box to use for his house.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......

A Selection of Heavenly (!?) Humour

God must have a sense of humour ' He made me! (David Tait)

1. Modern Day Religion

A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favourite Old Testament story. Moving around the class she saw many beautiful and moving drawings. Then she came to Johnny (why is it always Johnny?) and saw his picture of a man driving an old car.

"It's a lovely picture Johnny, but what is the story?"

It's simple, Miss, "Doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden!"

2. Sunday Savings

Johnny (It's okay all you Johnny's ' don't be offended - John is my second name too!) came skipping into the house with a big 'all day sucker' in his mouth. "Where did you get it? his mother asked."

"I bought it with the dollar you gave me."

"But the dollar I gave you was for Sunday School!"

"I know mum, but the minister met me at the door and let me in for free!"

3. The Best Intentions of Ministers and Men...;..

The noted Evangelist arrived in the city to conduct a series of crusades. At his Press Conference the day before the first meeting, he asked the reporters not to report the examples he quoted to them, as he wished to use them in his meetings.

The next day's paper came out with a fine story on the meetings to start that very day and concluded, "The Evangelist also told a number of stories that cannot be repeated! (One way of ensuring a good attendance! DJT)

4. Trumped!

There were two rich brothers who looked great on the outside, even attending church regularly, but whose hearts were evil.

A new, more astute pastor arrived at the church. The congregation grew and a fund raising campaign was started to extend the church.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The day before the funeral the remaining brother sidled up to the pastor and gave him a cheque for the full amount needed to complete the extensions. "Just one condition, he said. At the funeral you must say that my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave him his word and deposited the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor let it all go. "He was an evil man, he said, hard on his wife and family, corrupt in business, and on and on. He concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

5. The Flock

Three priests were having lunch in a restaurant.

One said, "You know, all summer I have been having trouble with bats in the belfry. I've tried everything to get rid of them - noise, spray, cats ' but nothing works.

Me too, said the second. I've got hundreds living there too. I even had the place fumigated, but still they stay.

That's simple, said the third. "I baptised all mine ' made them members of the church'.. Haven't had a single one back since!"

6. You Can Bank On It!

A woman went into the bank to cash a cheque before going Christmas shopping.

"What denominations would you like?" asked the Teller.

"Oh, good heavens ' has it come to this!" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptists and 50 Presbyterians, please."

7. Sermon to Order

After the praise and worship the pastor got up and said, " For today I have prepared 3 sermons. A $10 hell raiser on fire and brimstone that will take an hour and a half to deliver, a $50 exposition on the evils of sin that will take 45 minutes to give, along with a $100, 10 minute gem on love and generosity. We will now take the collection to see which you vote for!"

8. Child Power!

At the end of a series of lessons on the adventures of the Children of Israel, Johnny put up his hand and asked a question.

"Yes Johnny," said the teacher.

"There's something I can't work out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea." "Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines and built the Temple and did lots of other things too. "That's right Johnny."

"Please tell me Sir then, what were all the grown ups doing?"

9. Church Bulletin Bloopers

*** The scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

*** The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not inflicted with any church.

*** Evening Massage ' 6pm.

*** The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

*** The congregation is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

10. Giiiizumped!

A young lad who had just got his driving licence asked his minister father if he could drive his car.

"I'll make a deal with you said his father. "If you improve your grades, study your Bible a little more and cut your hair, we will talk again in a month."

A month later the son again approached his father, who said, "Son, I am real proud of you. Your grades have improved greatly and you have been diligent in your Bible Study. But you still haven't cut your hair.'

"But dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair so did Moses and Noah, and maybe Jesus too."

"Yes son," his dad replied, "and they walked everywhere they went!"

11. The Ingenuity of Youth

After church one Sunday morning a young announced to his mother. "Mum, I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's wonderful son," his mum said, "but what brought you to that decision?"

"Well," the son replied, I'll have to go to church anyway, so I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen!"

12. Heavenly Qualifications

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven. At the end of his talk he asked confidently, "And where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" they shouted in unison.

Now on a roll he asked, "And what do you have to be to get there?"

"Dead!" was one boy's immediate reply.

13. Funny How'.

'.$20 looks so big when you take it to church,
but so small when you take it to the mall.

'.long it takes to serve God for an hour,
but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.

'.long a couple of hours spent at church are,
but how short they are when watching a movie.

'.we can't think of anything to say when we pray,
but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.

'.we get thrilled when a game goes into extra time,
but we complain when a sermon goes longer than normal.

14. Child Childbirth

In Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny was particularly intent when they were telling how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill. "Johnny, what's the matter?"

Little Johnny replied in an anguished tone, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

15. Getting Priorities Right

Coming out of church Mrs Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is dying her hair?"

"I didn't even notice her," admitted Mr Peterson.

"And that dress that Mrs Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs Peterson, Really, don't tell me that you think that's a proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," replied a resigned Mr Peterson.

"Oh, For heavens sake," his wife snapped. "A lot of good it does you to go to church!"

16. More Church Bulletin Bloopers

*** The Low Self Esteem group will meet on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

*** Ushers will eat latecomers.

*** The third verses of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

*** For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

*** The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

17. Ralph

"I hope you didn't take it personally Pastor," the embarrassed women said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I must admit, I did find it rather disconcerting," he replied.

"Its not a reflection on you," said the now red faced lady in a confidential tone, "Ralph's been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

18. Count Your Blessings

A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"

The rancher thought about it a minute and then replied, "Yes it does. You remember in the Bible how it rained for 40 days and 40 nights during Noah's flood. Well, we got 2 inches of that."

19. Its Funny How'.

'.hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible,
but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.

'.people want to get a front seat at a game or concert,
but scramble for a back seat at church services.

'.we need 2-3 weeks notice to fit a church event into our busy schedule,
but can adjust our schedule at a moments notice for other events.

'.how hard it is to for people to tell others a simple gospel message,
but how simple it is to repeat gossip.

'.we automatically believe what the newspaper says,
but always question the Bible.

20. Signs Outside Churches

YOU ARE NOT TOO BAD TO COME IN.
YOU ARE NOT TOO GOOD TO STAY OUT.

COME IN AND LET US PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR FINALS.

A MISER IS A RICH PAUPER.

ASK ABOUT OUR PRAY-AS-YOU-GO PLAN.

WE HOLD SIT-IN DEMONSTRATIONS EVERY SUNDAY.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU NURSE A GRUDGE
IT WON'T GET BETTER.

START LIVING TO BEAT HELL.

21. Feed My Cow

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay."

22. Heavenly Guidance

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write his sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

23. The Flight To Egypt

A Sunday School teacher ask her class to draw a picture of their favourite Bible story.

All were beautiful, deep but understandable until she came to Johnny. For Johnny's picture showed four people on an aeroplane.

"What's that? she asked. "Oh, the flight to Egypt," Johnny replied.

"I see'. And that must be Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus," she said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius ' the Pilot!"

24. Still more Church Bulletin Bloopers

*** The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

*** A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church on Wednesday.

*** Next Sunday Mrs Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

*** Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be cancelled until further notice.

*** Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."

25. The Lord's Army

A friend was walking out of church in front of me, where he waited to shake hands with the pastor. The pastor grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord," said the pastor.

"I already belong," said my friend.

"Well how come we don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

My friend whispered back confidentially, "I'm in the Secret Service."

26. Hymns For The Ageing

--Precious Lord, Take My Hand (And Help Me Stand Up)

--It Is Well With My Soul (But My Back Hurts)

--Nobody Knows The Trouble I Have Seeing

--Amazing Grace (I've Got This Far)

--Just A Slower Walk With Thee

--Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One By One

--Go Tell It On The Mountain ( And Speak Up)

--Give Me That Old Timers Religion

--Blessed Insurance

--Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've Forgotten Where I Parked)

27. More Signs Outside Churches

IF SOME PEOPLE LIVED UP TO THEIR IDEALS THEY WOULD BE STOOPING

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT HEAVEN AND HELL BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK.

PRAY UP IN ADVANCE

YOU THINK IT'S HOT HERE? ( In an Arizona Church in August)

I WAS GOING TO WASTE BUT JESUS RECYLED ME

K-MART IS NOT THE ONLY SAVING PLACE

28. Who's Lying?

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I'm going to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The Following Sunday he asked for a show of hands as to how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. (Shouldn't need to continue this but'..)

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

29. Even More Bulletin Bloopers

*** The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his death.

*** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

*** The 8th Graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement this Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

*** The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

*** Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

30. The Heavenly Artist

A Sunday School teacher began their lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do you know about God?"

A hand immediately shot up in the air. "He is an artist," said the youngster.

Really, "How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know ' Our Father, who does art in heaven'.."

31. Back in Time

A little boy opened the big old family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the pages. Suddenly something fell out. It was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages.

He yelled out to his mum, "Mum, come hear quick, I think I've found Adam's underwear!"

32. A Tricky Tipple

Knowing that the minister was very fond of Cherry Brandy, one of the church elders offered to give him a bottle on one condition. ' that he acknowledge receipt of the gift in the Church Bulletin.

The next Sunday, the elder turned at once to the 'Appreciation' column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

33. The Joys Of Marriage

A newly married pastor was taking a walk with his father one day, who asked how he was enjoying his young wife's home cooking.

The pastor replied, "My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after we eat."

34. Church Bulletin Bloopers Continue'.

*** Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs Martha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

*** Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

*** The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julie Belzer.

*** This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

*** On Tuesday there will be an ice cream social at 4pm. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

35. Help?

Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her; "We will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."

36. A Good Question

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

37. Saved For Sure!

A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited an Episcopal Church on Sunday. The pews in this older church were in those little, box-like enclosures that have a "gate" entry to each one.

My friend likes to sit close to the front. So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the gate, and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

38. Who's For a Wedding?

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

39. Heavenly Reward?

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

40. Genesis 3:C-D

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

41. Whose Funeral?

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

42. Healthy Lessons?

Two fellows died at ripe old ages and went on to Heaven. It was, of course, the most beautiful, wonderful place imaginable.

One of them, eyes misting with tears, remarked to the other, "Isn't this marvelous?"

His friend replied. "Yes! And to think we could have gotten here so much sooner if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran!"

43. Prophetic? A True Story

My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane.

Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the centre page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known." --RD

44. Covering the Bases.....

A five-year-old girl who was squirting passersby with a garden hose became furious when her father rushed out and took the hose away.

Kicking and screaming as he carried her into the house, she yelled out, "I'm going to tell Jesus and God and Santa Claus on you!"

45. The Real Truth

Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a
book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to use it.

You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author."