1) If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.

2) If you can't get a sermon done working 20 hours a day, work nights.

3) When the Deacons talk about improving the churches spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.

4) In a committee meeting, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

5) There will always be empty soft drink cans rolling on the floorboard of your car when your head deacon asks for a ride home from church.

6) No matter how many sermons you prepare, you never prepare enough.

7) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard, a camera, or a Bible.

8) You are always doing something trivial when the Deacon Chairman drops by your office.

9) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

10) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

11) Keep the deacon chairman's wife off his back and you will succeed as a pastor.

12) Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13) Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.

14) Real Deacons/Elders realize that a clean desk is not necessarily a productive desk.

15) Any church employee can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she has been assigned to do.

16) Any great Sermon that contains no errors will develop errors when transmitted to your printer.

17) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

18) The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get.

19) After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

20) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

21) Following the rules will not get the job done.

22) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

23) A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.

24) Every sermon idea shalt beget another sermon idea.

25) When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"

26) The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.