A Christian joke for you each day

23/02/18 465. Ignorance results in..... Poverty!

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man.

"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

22/02/18 464. Pay Up Or Else

The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."

When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten dollar bills, and a five dollar bill with this note attached: "Other five on payday."

21/02/18 463. A True Story - Pin it Where?

My pastor quoted a poem in his sermon about giving your love to the living, and the last lines were: "If you have roses, bless your soul, Just pin one in my button hole." Well, so many people loved the poem and wanted a copy, it was printed in the church newsletter. 
However, a gremlin got into the typewriter, and it came out: "If you have roses, bless your soul, Just pin one in my bottom hole."

20/02/18 462. Pastor/Thief?

A local newspaper article announcing the arrival of a new pastor and apparently "part time thief" read: "A lifelong commitment to ministry has brought Brother Carter to us. Carter will take the pulpit next Sunday."

19/02/18 461. What Kind of Class?

Back in the middle 1980's our pastor wanted to recognize a ladies class for a recent accomplishment. He quickly found out he was between a rock and a hard spot. You can't mention that this is the ladies class aged 55 and above. The next thought he had was that this was the ladies class with the highest number enrolled of any class in the church. 

Much to his embarrassment the statement came out "the large ladies class". The congregation erupted in laughter as our red faced pastor sat down.

18/02/18 460. What Kind of Offering?

Someone had a great idea. We'd sell stock in our mission trip to help cover the cost. However, the promotional announcement in the bulletin that was suppose to promote our Initial Public Offering said something different. On the front page of our Church weekly newsletter was this heading to our message from our pastor: Initial PUBIC Offering. It erased any doubt about the newsletter readership.

17/02/18 459. Poor Geography

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality.

"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."

"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.

"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

16/02/18 458. Misplaced Identity

A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the devil?" 

"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my daddy."

15/02/18 457. Too Busy

So few people know the Bible nowadays!

I was standing downtown waiting on a bus. It was raining cats and dogs. A lady was standing next to me so I tried to be friendly and make conversation. 'If it keeps it up, we'll all have to buy an ark," I said.

"What's an ark?" she asked.

'You mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all those animals?" I asked incredulously.

"Look, mister," she replied, "I've only been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper."

14/02/18 456. Every Word.

One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: "I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend.

I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it."

"You have not," said the indignant Dr. Doane. "I have so," 

countered Twain. "Then send it to me. I'd very much like to see it."

"I'll send it," promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.

13/02/18 455. Who Was Jesus?

There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around bare foot all of the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

12/02/18 454. Being Prudent

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.

He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" She said, "Yes."

"Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes."

Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question,"Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

11/02/18 453. God's Way?

 And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan developed the fast foods industry. And fast foods brought forth the 99 cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained pounds. 

 And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yoghurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yoghurt. And woman gained pounds. 

 And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. 

 And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. 

 And God brought forth running shoes, and man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds. 

 And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest. 

 And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplastys, and stents. And Satan established HMOs...

10/02/18 452. What is Your Faith?

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

09/02/18 451. Only One Miracle Today

Grandma Deanie took her little grandson Billy to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept Billy out to sea. Grandma Deanie fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, -- that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up at the sky with an annoyed expression and said, "When we came he had a hat!"

08/02/18 450. Good Looking

The Baptist church had a small congregation of very faithful people - all but Marvin the farmer, who had quit coming to church.

Pastor Feingold went to Marvin's farm, and asked him why he didn't attend anymore.

"Gee, Preacher," Marvin said, "I only have these coveralls and old boots, and I don't want to come to the Lord's house dressed so shabby."

Pastor Feingold said, "I've got a spare shirt, sports coat, slacks and shoes I'll give you if you'll come back!"

Marvin agreed, so Pastor Feingold returned that afternoon with the clothes. Next Sunday Marvin didn't show up again.

The Pastor went out to Marvin's farm and asked, "I gave you all those clothes, why didn't you come to church?"

"Well, brother," Marvin said, "I got up and showered and shaved, and I put on those neat duds, and I looked in the mirror. I looked so doggone good I went to the Episcopal church!"

07/02/18 449. My Best

A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed mansion after beautiful mansion until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.

St. Peter replied, "I did the best I could with the money you sent us."

06/02/18 448. Very Religious

My husband is very religious.....

He won't work if there's a Sunday in the week.

05/02/18 447. As Jesus Did

Old Pastor McTavish was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, Pastor McTavish motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. But they were also puzzled because Pastor McTavish had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered how his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed and covetousness had made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

Pastor McTavish smiled weakly and said, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

04/02/18 446. Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

03/02/18 445. You Can't Win

When you prepare your sermons in writing, they say that you are just reading off the script and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have a script, they say that you were not prepared!

02/02/18 444. Revenge

A 10-year old boy named Freddie wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. Instead the teacher cast Freddie as the landlord. Freddie objected loudly, but to no avail.

When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked Freddie if he had a room for them at the Inn.

Freddie smiled and said, "Sure -- lots of room. Come on in!"

01/02/18 443. The Virgin Mary

Little Kiana, under the tutelage of her grandfather, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day Kiana floored her grandfather by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

31/01/18 441. What should a good sermon be about?

About Jesus...and about 10 minutes.

30/01/18 440. Modern Moses

God called down to Moses and said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've chosen you to deliver my people from bondage. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh's armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid you."

"And the bad news?" Moses inquired.

"You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement," God replied.

29/01/18 439. Devil's Beatitudes

Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.

Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.

Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.

Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.

Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.

Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.

Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.

28/01/18 438. 7 Reasons Why The Average Christian Can't Play Baseball

### Doesn't practice all week, but expects to start on game day. 
### Gets upset when every ball that's hit doesn't come directly to him. 
### Never swings at a pitch because, "This pitcher doesn't throw like the last pitcher. The game's just not the same since he left." 
### Wants to run home before going to first base. 
### Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball. 
### Doesn't come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up. 
### Worries the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it's over.

27/01/18 437. Dial - a ?

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

26/01/18 436. Misplaced Advertising

A little church in the suburbs had suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. 

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." 

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" 

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.' "

25/01/18 435. You And Me Both, Sister

A pastor was in a discussion with an elderly church member about a relative of hers who had seen the light and joined the church after a lifetime of riotous living. "Will my converted cousin's sins be forgiven?" she asked. 

"Oh, certainly," replied the pastor, "Remember, the greater the sin, the greater the saint." 

The woman thought silently for a time. Then she said, "Oh, Pastor, how I wish I'd known this fifty years ago." 

(Not worth the risk - not the same blessings!)

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