A Christian joke for you each day

22/08/17 296. Religious Symbols

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.

The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."

The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Thomas and I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."

The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Johnny and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

21/08/17 295. Baby Picture?

After making a few calls at the local hospital, the pastor got on the crowded elevator to head for the lobby. A young man, grinning broadly, was passing around a photograph. Amid appreciative smiles, someone asked for the weight. "Six-and-a-half pounds," the young man exclaimed.

"Congratulations," the pastor interjected. "Boy or girl?"

His grin spread even farther. "Bass," he said.

20/08/17 294. Real Letters That Children Sent To God

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
-Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

19/08/17 293. You May Be A Preacher If . . .

* You've ever lied to the choir director about how good the cantata sounded.
* Your wife has amassed a huge collection of unsolicited casserole recipes.
* You think Exegesis should be an Olympic Event.
* You love to eat lunch alone so you don't have to say grace out loud.
* You sort of enjoy inviting the Mormons in to "talk."
* People apologize to you after they use profanity.
* While shaving, you've pointed at yourself in the mirror and shouted, "REPENT!" just to see what you look like doing it.
* You ever talked to a person who was sitting on a bedpan.
* You find yourself counting people at a sports event.
* You've spoken for free, and are worth every penny of it!
* You received an anonymous U-Haul gift certificate.

18/08/17 292. Church Pew Position

A couple who usually sat in the back whenever they attended the church service.
One particular Sunday they decided to move up to the front in order to be sure to hear the sermon.

Even though they had been attending the church for several years, the long time church member they sat next to did not recognize them, but cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?"

Taken by surprise, the husband mumbled, "The back."

17/08/17 291. Daddy's Sermons

A pastor tried to prepare his two children for what he thought might be a boring high school graduation ceremony. "Graduations are sometimes long, boring events," he said. "I want you guys to behave and not constantly ask when it's going to be over."

"Don't worry, Dad. We'll live", his daughter replied. "We last through all of your sermons, don't we?"

16/08/17 289. Land of Our Fathers

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I to sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?"

"Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel."

15/08/17 288. Further Pastoral Candidates

MELCHIZADEK: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

JAMES AND JOHN: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

TIMOTHY: Too young!

METHUSELAH: Too old . . . WAY too old!

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

14/08/17 287. Liquid Plumber

A Pastor in Oregon called a plumber to fix a leak in the parsonage bathroom. When the plumber finished the job, he left a bill in the bathroom itemizing the repairs. There was also a P.S. He drew an arrow pointing to a bottle of Liquid-Plumber that the pastor kept in the bathroom, and noted: "How would you feel if you walked into someone's house and found a bottle of 'liquid pastor'?"

13/08/17 286. Non-Partisan Pastor

A new pastor of a Presbyterian church in a southern city found himself in a difficult position due to the fact that two officers in his church were running for mayor. The young preacher had to walk with much caution the impartial, equal-time line.
At the post office one morning, a church member who was flagrantly partisan asked, "Pastor, what do you think about the election?"

"I'm praying about it," the pastor told her.

"Well, what are you praying for?" the partisan Presbyterian wanted to know.

And the preacher told her, "I'm just thanking God for the secret ballot."

12/08/17 285. Brief Sermon

A minister preached a very brief sermon and explained to the congregation, "My dog got into my office and ate all my notes."

On the way out the door, a visitor said to the pastor, "If your dog ever has pups, would you see that my minister gets one?"

11/08/17 284. Jericho Walls

The new pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday-school class and began quizzing the students to test the effectiveness of the teacher.

"Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?" he demanded of one boy.

"It sure weren't me, Reverend," the boy said.

Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the pastor exclaimed, "I suppose that's a sample of the kind of class you maintain!"

"Now, Reverend, Timmy's a good boy and doesn't tell lies. If he said he didn't to it, I believe him."

Thoroughly upset, the pastor took the matter to the church's board of deacons. After due consideration, the board sent the following message to the minister: "We see no point in making an issue of this incident. The board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it off to vandalism."

10/08/17 283. Pastoral Candidates

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.

ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

DEBORAH: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

JONAH: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

09/08/17 282. Long Sermon

A man got up to leave during a long sermon. The minister said, "Where are you going?"
The man replied, "To get a haircut."

The minister said, "You should have gotten one before you came."

The man replied, "When I came in, I didn't need one!"

08/08/17 281. Jonah and the Whale

After telling the story of Jonah and the whale to her Sunday school class, the teacher decided to quiz them. She asked, "Timmy, what is the moral of the story?"

Timmy thought for a minute, then said, "People make whales throw up."

07/08/17 280. Church Funnies

*** I asked our six-year-old, "How did you like the service?" She said, "I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."

*** Pastor, I've got some terrible news. Someone broke into our church last night and stole ninety thousand dollars worth of pledges.

***Does a good beginning and a good ending make a good sermon? Yes, if they're close enough together.

*** A new pastor preached a stirring sermon on "Gossip" but then made a fatal error by closing the service by singing "I Love to Tell the Story."

*** Sunday school teacher: "Cleanliness is next to what?" Little boy answers, "Next to impossible."

06/08/17 279. The Barber

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church.

The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.

It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

Expecting his comment, the expression on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

05/08/17 278. The Dog who could walk on water.

Fred took his newfound friend John duck-hunting one day. Soon a shot found it's mark and a duck plummeted to the lake. Fred whistled for his dog and the dog padded across the top of the water, retrieved the duck and trotted back on top of the water to drop the duck at his master's feet. His friend John was amazed and immediately asked him "Can I buy that dog?".

Fred said "Sure, I've got another one like him anyways".

John couldn't wait to show off his new dog to his friend Wilbur and finally the day came when they were duck-hunting that John had to send the dog across the water to get the fallen duck. As the dog trotted back John waited for Wilbur's look of amazement but instead Wilbur scowled. Finally John blurted out " Well Wilbur, what do you think of my dog?" Wilbur scowled again and mumbled "hmmm, can't swim, can he!"

04/08/17 277. When is the Resurrection?

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

03/08/17 276. The Hereafter

A minister told an elderly neighbor that at his age he should be giving some thought to what he called "the hereafter." the neighbor told the pastor that he thinks about it many times a day.

"That's very wise," the minister said.

The neighbor explained that it's not a matter of wisdom. And then he added, "It's when I open a drawer or a closet and ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"

02/08/17 275. Kleptomaniac

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

01/08/17 274. Judgement

When a rural Kansas preacher returned after visiting New England, a parishioner met him at the train station.

"How are things out our way, Hiram?" the preacher asked.

"Sad, sir. A cyclone came and wiped out my house."

"Dear, dear," cried the parson. "Well, I'm not surprised, Hiram. Your remember I warned you about the way you have been living. Punishment for sin is inevitable."

"It also destroyed your house, sir," said Hiram.

"It did?" The pastor was horrified. "Ah me, the ways of the Lord are past human understanding."

31/07/17 273. Elijah's Water

At Sunday School the topic was Elijan and the prophets of Baal. The teacher explained that Elijah built an altar, placed wood on it, cut the sacrificial bullock in pieces and laid them on the wood. He then commanded that the people fill four jars with water and pour the water over the sacrifice.

"Why do you think they did that?" asked the teacher.

A little girl raised her hand and said, "To make gravy."

30/07/17 272. Three Wise Women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
* They would have asked directions,
* arrived on time,
* helped deliver the baby,
* cleaned the stable,
* made a casserole, and,
* brought practical gifts.

29/07/17 271. Do You Live Here?

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied.

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.

"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.

When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?"

"Yesh," again the man replied.

Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.

But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man "Do you live here?"

"Yesh."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yesh."

So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.

So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

28/07/17 270. Who Are You?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

27/07/17 269. Unusual Memorial

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

26/07/17 268. Why God Created Eve

The first 10 reasons why God created Eve.

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

25/07/17 267. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

24/07/17 266. Loch Ness Monster and the Atheist

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.

"God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."

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