A Christian joke for you each day

13/12/17 398. Fund Raising

The crumbling old church building badly needed repairs, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. Flicking a speck of white dust from his suit, the rich man calmly announced, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again. Now covered from head to toe with plaster dust, the rich man grimly said, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge, but that's all I intend to contribute."

As the rich man sat down, a deacon suddenly shouted, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

12/12/17 397. Always at Work

During the French Revolution, they condemned a priest and an engineer to be executed by the guillotine. The priest asked to be executed face up so he would be looking toward Heaven when he died.

The executioner raised the blade of the guillotine and released it. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from the priest's neck. The authorities took this as Divine Intervention and released the priest.

Next, the engineer was placed on the guillotine. He also requested to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the priest. As the executioner slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly exclaimed, "Hey, I see what the problem is..."

11/12/17 396. Hell in Hell

The Pope, Billy Graham, and a Television Evangelist (who shall remain nameless) were among the passengers on a trans-Atlantic flight. The plane crashed in the ocean and all passengers died.

When the three men of God arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter threw up his hands in dismay.

"Oh my," groaned St. Peter. "Your arrival is completely unexpected so your quarters aren't ready just yet."

Thinking hard, St. Peter got an idea. He quickly pressed the "Hell" button on his intercom, then said, "Hi Lucifer, I need a favor. You see, I've got these three fellows up here. They're ours, but they weren't expected right now so we need to fix the place up for them. If you could put them up for a while, I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

The next day, St. Peter's intercom buzzes. "Hey Pete, this is Lucifer. Man, you have to come get these three men outta here RIGHT NOW! The Pope is forgiving everybody. Billy Graham is saving everybody. Worst of all, that Television Evangelist has raised enough money to install central air conditioning!"

10/12/17 395. The Cannibal and the Priest

A cannibal ate a priest and got very sick. Upon visiting the witch doctor and telling of his symptoms, the witch doctor asked how he had cooked the priest. The cannibal replied that he had broiled him.

Hearing this the witch doctor exclaimed, "Well no wonder you're sick! He was a Friar!"

05/12/17 394. One For You, One For Me

There was a huge pecan tree in the cemetery, just a short ways from the fence. One day two boys sneaked into the cemetery and filled up a bucket with pecans. The bucket was so full that several pecans rolled away and came to a rest against the cemetery fence.

The two boys then sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts between them.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Cycling down the road near the cemetery came a third boy named Joey. As Joey passed the graveyard, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery and slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, Joey heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

Joey immediately knew what was going on. "Oh wow!" he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

Joey sped down the road and found old Mr. Finch with a cane, limping slowly along.

"Come quick!" Joey shouted. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

Mr. Finch scowled and yelled, "Shoo you brat! Can't ya see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is?"

After Joey made several more urgent pleas, Mr. Finch reluctantly hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

"Boy, you've been tellin' the truth!" Mr. Finch exclaimed in a whisper. "Let's get closer and maybe we'll get to see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, Joey and Mr. Finch edged toward the fence, still unable to see the source of the voices.

Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. And here's another for you and another for me. There, that's the last of them. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

04/12/17 393. A Matter of Priority

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they hired a fellow named Higgins to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As Higgins peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, saying her rosary.

Being a bit of a rascal, Higgins decided it would be funny to try and mess with Mrs. Murphy's mind. In his most authoritative voice, Higgins said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

Mrs. Murphy didn't even blink; just kept on saying her rosary. Higgins tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God!" Higgins boomed. "Your prayers will be answered!"

At this, Mrs. Murphy looks up and yells, "Wait your turn, Lord. I'm talking to your Mother!"

03/12/17 392. Take Five

One Sunday, a preacher announced that he'd pass out miniature crosses made out of palm leaves.

"Put a cross in the room where your family argues the most," the preacher said. "When you look at the cross, it will remind you that God is watching."

As people were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the preacher, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

02/12/17 391. Your Choice

A church was running short of the finances that were needed to do some sorely needed repairs. 

The Pastor worried over how he could motivate the congregation to come up with more money. To add to the Pastor's problems, just before the start of worship services he learned that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," the Pastor said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something appropriate to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

Following the Pastor's sermon, he paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty. The church repairs are costing nearly twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

01/12/17 390. Explaining God

A teacher gave her third grade class an assignment to write essays on the topic, "Explain God." The following was turned in by one of her 8-year-old students...

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. 

He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to Moms and Dads.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime and meals. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or watch TV because of this.

Because God hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy, so you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and doing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.

Jesus was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OKAY.

Jesus' Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. Now Jesus helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God.

30/11/17 389. Gardening God's Way

Plant three rows of peas: 
 Peace of mind 
 Peace of heart 
 Peace of soul 
Plant four rows of squash: 
 Squash gossip 
 Squash indifference 
 Squash grumbling 
 Squash selfishness 
Plant four rows of lettuce: 
 Lettuce be faithful 
 Lettuce be kind 
 Lettuce be obedient 
 Lettuce really love one another 
No garden without turnips: 
 Turnip for meetings 
 Turnip for service 
 Turnip to help one another 
To conclude our garden we must have thyme: 
 Thyme for God 
 Thyme for study 
 Thyme for prayer 

Water freely with patience and cultivate with love.

There will be much fruit in your garden because you reap what you sow.

29/11/17 388. Tradition

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not our tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not our tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "Please help us! The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

28/11/17 387. Favorite Hymns, by Profession

Dentist - "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Weatherman - "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
Building contractor - "The Church's One Foundation"
Tailor - "Holy, Holy, Holy"
Golfer - "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
Politician - "Standing on the Promises"
Optometrist - "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
Internal Revenue Service - "All to Thee"
Gossip - "Pass It On"
Electrician - "Send the Light"
Shopper - "Sweet By and By"

27/11/17 386. Observant

A Sunday school teacher asked the children, "Why should you be quiet in church?" 

Little Johnny promptly answered, "Because people are sleeping!"

26/11/17 385. For the Preacher - Good News & Bad News

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Jerry Springer show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They're going to pave the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are waiting until the next war.

Good News: The youth in your church have come to your home to pay a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's midnight and they are armed with toilet paper & shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

25/11/17 384. Constipation

Q: Where is constipation mentioned three times in the Bible?
A: (1) Satan is bound. (2) Elijah said, "Nothing will move me." (3) Moses took 2 tablets.

24/11/17 383. What Now?

The young priest rushed into his superior's office. "Father Murphy," he exclaimed. "Come quick! Our Savior is in our church!"

The two clerics rushed into the church and sure enough, there was the Lord Jesus praying at the Altar.

"What should we do?" whispered young Father McLaughlin.

"Try to look busy!" answered the older priest.

23/11/17 382. More Kids Letters To God

DEAR GOD:

If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Ralph

Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

22/11/17 381. Getting What You Deserve

Matt, Kimo, and Ken are killed in a car accident and end up at St. Peter's gates. Matt is told by St. Peter that a wife has been chosen for him for eternity. St. Peter then introduces Matt to his new mate, who is ugly and not to the Matt's liking. Matt says "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter answers, "You killed 10 birds in your lifetime, and this is the eternal result."

Kimo is then introduced to his eternal wife who is even uglier than Matt's wife. Kimo grumbles, "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter replies, "While you lived, you killed 20 birds, and this is the eternal result."

Ken nervously approaches St. Peter but is overjoyed to meet his new wife, a beautiful woman any man would be thrilled to have. Kimo asks "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter responds, "You? It was her...she killed 30 birds!"

21/11/17 380. Just Checking

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," Eve charged.

"Don't be ridiculous, honey," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

20/11/17 379. Too Much To Bare

A Preacher, a missionary, and an overweight tenor from the church choir are visiting Israel when, all of a sudden, they are captured by Arab terrorists. They are informed by these terrorists that they are going to be shot.

The Preacher said, "We are men of God. You can't shoot us!" 

When the terrorists refused, the Preacher asked the terrorists for one last request each.

"Okay," said the terrorist chief, "one last request each - but keep it short."

The Preacher says, "I would like to give a two hour sermon and not have anyone in my audience leave or fall asleep." 

The tenor says, "I would like to give a two hour concert of my favorite hymns."

"And what about you?" the terrorist chief asked the missionary.

"Oh please!" said the missionary, kneeling with his hands raised in supplication. "Shoot me first!"

19/11/17 378. Superbowl XXXIII - aftermath

After John Elway dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows John a tiny two-bedroom house with a raggedy Broncos banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, John. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

John looks at the house, then turns around and sees one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns, flowing fountains, a rolling lawn, and splendid patios. Flags for the State of Georgia line both sides of the sidewalk, and a huge Atlanta Falcons banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, Lord," says John, "but let me ask you a question. I get this dinky little two-bedroom house, but Chris Chandler gets a mansion with brand new Falcon banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile God says, "That's not Chandler's house. It's mine."

18/11/17 377. Not To Be Outdone

During Sunday services, a Pastor is so overwhelmed with religious fervor that he drops to his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

Not to be outdone, the Deacon also gets down on his knees, puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

Moved by their humility, a layman in the fourth row steps into the aisle. He falls down on his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

The Deacon, noticing the guy, elbows the Pastor. "So," he whispers. "Look who thinks he's nothing."

17/11/17 376. Dear God:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce.

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene

Our school teacher told us that Thomas Edison invented light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

16/11/17 375. The Microschlock Bible

(A parody. Adapted by Bellgamin)
Customer: Oh salesclerk, could you help me please?

Clerk: Hi, my name is Velma and I'll be your Support. What's your problem?

Customer: The book of Psalms is missing from this Bible I bought here yesterday.

Clerk: Try looking again. Maybe Psalms will be there this time.

Customer: No, it's still missing.

Clerk: Maybe it's the way you're using the Bible. Try opening it from the back instead of the front.

Customer: Even when I open it from the back, Psalms is still missing.

Clerk: Maybe the Bible is incompatible with your eyeglasses. Did you wear READING glasses while you used this Bible?

Customer: I don't need glasses. My eyesight is perfect.

Clerk: Hmmm...if you say so. Well, it might be a configuration problem. How was the Bible set up?

Customer: They just handed it to me in a cardboard box. What has that got to do with the fact that Psalms is missing?

Clerk: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the book of Psalms was missing?

Customer: I took it out of the box, of course!

Clerk: Oh oh! That could be the cause of your problem. Anyway, that Bible is rather out-dated technology. Have you considered upgrading to our most recent version?

Customer: You folks have updated the Bible?

Clerk: Certainly. We just issued Bible-98, version 2.1. It comes with 100 free hours on the internet, plus one full year of Tech Support.

Customer: Okay, bring me Bible-98. I'm running late now.

Clerk: Here you are sir. Bible-98, the latest thing.

Clerk starts to leave.

Customer: (Examines Bible) Hey, wait a minute! What are all these extra pages glued in between the Bible pages? I didn't ask for those.

Clerk: No problem sir. They can be removed for a slight extra cost. Of course, doing so will void the warranty and your Bible might not function properly without them.

(And so it goes. Er..... did anybody say McWindoze?)

15/11/17 374. Church-o-logical Definitions

AMEN - the part of a prayer that everyone understands.

BULLETIN - a claim check to show your Mom you went to church.

CHOIR - a group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN - a song of praise sung three octaves higher than an operatic soprano can reach.

CLOSING HYMN - the last song in the service, usually sung softly so as not to awaken the children.

JESUITS - an order of priests known for their ability to establish colleges with good basketball teams.

JUSTICE - when your kids have kids of their own.

MANGER - where Mary gave birth because Joseph didn't have MediCare.

OFFERATORY PROCESSION - when the ushers come forward to receive the offering, followed by late visitors looking for seats.

PEW - seating designed to punish you for your sins.

12/11/17 373. Touche!

Melba was a Christian lady who did a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along, because reading it relaxed her.

One time Melba was sitting next to a man. When he saw Melba reading her Bible he chuckled and said, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

Melba replied "Of course I do. It is the word of God."

"Well what about that guy who was swallowed by that whale? You don't believe that, do you?" the man asked.

Melba smiled. "You mean Jonah? Of course I believe it. God doesn't tell fairy tales."

The fellow snorted and asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

Melba said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

"What if Jonah isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." Melba replied quietly.

11/11/17 372. 'Heblish'

Old Simpson, a stubborn opponent of changing anything, was a constant thorn in the side of the Parent-Teachers Association. For one thing, he was loudly against the introduction of foreign languages in the town's junior high school curriculum. 

Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted, "If English was good enough for the prophets and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for me."

10/11/17 370. Some Evil

A lady had been teaching her three-year-old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime the girl repeated it after her. One night the three-year old said she was ready to solo. The lady listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.

"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail."

09/11/17 369. John

After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.

One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy replied, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

08/11/17 368. The Lord's Prayer

The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret.
One little boy said "Harold be Thy name." 

Two other lesser known prayers though are a little girl saying: "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."

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