A Christian joke for you each day

25/04/18 What Does It Mean?

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.

Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this
commandment meant. 

With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

24/04/18 Not That Fast!

A little girl was late for Sunday School and was running across the parking lot. She kept praying "Lord, don't let me be late, Lord, don't let me be late."

About half way across the parking lot she fell and tore her dress. 

She got up and continued to run and praying "Lord, I don't want to be late but please don't shove."

23/04/18 Future Preacher?

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. 

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 

"Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnnn. . ...and into the hole he gooooes."

22/04/18 Grateful Thanks

To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World in Florida, a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. 

One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."

21/04/18 The Cowboys 10 Commandments

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Y'all have a good Day.

Guess cowboys just kinda tell it like it is!!!!

Think if we all used these instead of the one with all the "shalt nots" in it, we could probably understand and live up to them a lot better!

20/04/18 Kids!

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own children, grandchildren, nieces/nephews, or even students, here is something to make you chuckle. 

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had "situations" with his own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't".

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?

"Hey, Eve .. . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set into motion.

19/04/18 501. Swim?

A learned Rabbi took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The Rabbi stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.

The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Rabbi. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

18/04/18 500. Biblical Bumper Stickers:

Adam: "You are what you eat." 

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother." 

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'." 

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water." 

Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land." 

Elijah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." 

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!" 

Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home." 

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years" 

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

17/04/18 499. Three Camels

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board. 

"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind." 
"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw." 
"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second. 
"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third. 

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you."

15/04/18 498. Meeting God

Two lifelong friends had a running argument. The black friend would argue that God was black, and the white friend would disagree and say that God was white. 

One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back, they were still arguing about whether or not God was black or white. Before they knew it, they where in an accident, and they found themselves in heaven. When they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates. Again, the question was brought up, "Is God black or white?" 

St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room and God would come out and talk to them about it. 

While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether God was black or white. Then they heard some footsteps coming. They turned around as the door swung open and in stepped in God in His grandest toga. 

They looked to Him expectantly, waiting for His answer to their long running argument. 
He smiled at them and said, "Hola muchachos!"

Ya know -- God doesn't care what color you are - 'cause He made all of 'em!

14/04/18 497. Children's Notes To God

Dear God, 
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. 
There is nothing good in there now. 

Dear Mr. God, 
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. 

Dear God, 
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am). 

Dear God, 
I read the bible. What does begat mean? 
Nobody will tell me.

13/04/18 496. Bible Study

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." 

Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment. 

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group. 

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said. 

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do. 

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically. 
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do. 

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. "For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night." Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked. 

"Because," the man smiled, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."

12/04/18 495. Slamming the Door

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result the door bounced back open. 

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

11/04/18 494. The Evils of TV

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. 

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. 

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. 

"We put our TV away in the closet." 

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

09/04/18 493. Preaching

It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs.....AMEN... BROTHER! 

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again....PREACH IT REVEREND! 
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed, RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT IS..... AMEN! 

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

08/04/18 492. Sunday Service

The 2000 member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. 
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. 
The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!" 

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor. 

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. 

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

07/04/18 491. Don't Wait!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. 

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." 

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

03/04/18 490. I'll Help

Burglar: "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for your money". 

Vicar: "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you".

02/04/18 489. Steady Progress

The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 19th century." Someone spoke up, " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 20th century?" The pastor replied, " Let's take it one century at a time."

01/04/18 488. The Dream

A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible. 

The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you find there?" 

"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for bishops".

31/03/18 487. The Preacher and The Policeman

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well. 

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution. 

The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment. 

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

30/03/18 486. Jesus Knows

The minister had been in his church for 30 years. Everyone loved him dearly but all thought it was time for him to move on. One Sunday he announced that he had received a Call from another parish and he believed it was from the Lord so he was going to leave. 

Before he could say anything else the Church Secretary jumped and announced, "We will now sing "What a friend we have in Jesus."

29/03/18 485. Finally - The Truth

There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even contemplated leaving the pastorate. 

The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well, Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside, while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating, Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever. 

Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously voted to renew your term as our pastor." 

"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?" 

"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."

28/03/18 484. AWOL

Pastor Bob was a great preacher, and much loved by his congregation. He visited the sick, preached a great sermon, and had a loving wife, who could play the organ and type sermons...and had 3 perfect children. 

However, Pastor Bob always left town at 2 in the afternoon and was gone for one hour. LIke clockwork. Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Pastor Bob's curious schedule and began to ask questions. They went to the PPR Committee with their concerns. "Could Pastor Bob have a girlfriend in the neighboring town?" Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to confront him on their own, they went to the D.S. The D.S. didn't want to touch it, so he went to the Bishop. Finally after prayer and deliberation the Bishop went to Pastor Bob, and asked him about his curious goings and comings; so he invited the Bishop to join him at 2:00 that afternoon. They drove to a high hill over looking the small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley. After sitting there quietly for some time, a beautiful silver train streaked through the valley at very high speed. He turned to the Bishop and said,"Isn't that a beautiful sight?" 

"Yes," the Bishop agreed, "that is a beautiful sight. And is this where you come every afternoon?" "Yes," said Pastor Bob. "I come here to be inspired. It is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!"

27/03/18 483. Not Necessary

Actual ad in the Drogheda Independant! FOR SALE BY Pastor. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

26/03/18 482. What To Be Called

One pastor asked another pastor, "If you were a monkey what would you want to be called?" "I dont know",one pastor said. "The other one said "monk."

25/03/18 481. Not Lost For Long

Two men were marooned on an Island. One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself. The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die." "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My Pastor will find me."

24/03/18 480. The Three Envelopes

The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out. The former pastor says, "I left three envelopes in your desk. If you have any trouble, open them." Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School. Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor. He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. It says, "You haven't been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad. Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it." So the young preacher did that and it worked well.

He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually. Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation. So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: "You did something to make the deacons mad and there's talk of replacing you. Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn't make you any difference what they do." He tried this, and again it worked great.

You guessed it. After three years, he finally told the women's organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women's group being present. This put the women's organization in open revolt. So he went back to that third and final envelope: "You've been here about three years and you finally got the women's organization mad. The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes ... "

23/03/18 479. Why Daddy?

A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to preach. When she asks him why he did that, he explained, "I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon."

His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Well daddy, Why doesn't he do it?"

22/03/18 478. The Thank You Note

There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister. One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.

Well the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.

Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."

Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

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