A Christian joke for you each day

15/08/18 HEAVENLY TESTS

A Catholic, a Jew, and an Episcopalian are lined up at the pearly gates.

The Catholic asks to get in and St. Peter says, "No, sorry."

"Why not?" says the Catholic, "I've been good."

"Well, you ate meat on a Friday in Lent, so I can't let you in."

The Jew walks up and again St. Peter says no. The Jew wants an explanation so St. Peter replies, "There was that time you ate pork...sorry, you have to go to the other place."

Then the Episcopalian goes up and asks to be let in and St. Peter again says no.

"Why not?" asks the Episcopalian, "What did I do wrong?"

"Well," says St. Peter, "you once ate your entree with the salad fork."

14/08/18 IN CASE OF FIRE

During an ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

13/08/18 WHERE'S THE PROBLEM

I was attending a religious conference in Orange County many years ago and by the middle of the afternoon I was getting bored. I looked over at the side of the room and noticed the light flickering. I said to God, "Your light isn't doing so good over there."

He replied: "My light is perfectly all right, Engineer. It's your lamp that has the problem."

12/08/18 REFRESHED

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. 

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

11/08/18 CHURCH SIGNBOARDS

Work for the Lord. The pay isn't much, but the retirement plan is out of this world.

Interested in going to heaven? Apply here for flight training!

Since you can't take it with you, why not leave it here?

You can't take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.

No parking. Violators will be turned into a pillar of salt.

We have a prophet-sharing plan for you.

The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch.

Remember, "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it."

10/08/18 THE FUNERAL

A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her 
husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral. He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.

At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased. The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's 
"favorite song" she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up. She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.

After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "Actually, pastor, the favorite song I requested was 'RING them Bells!'"

09/08/18 AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I 
figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

08/08/18 THE FLYING SERMON

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

07/08/18 CLIMBING THE WALLS

Following my arm operation, the hospital physical therapist taught me exercises to strengthen it. In one, called "climbing the wall," I faced a wall and "walked" the fingers of both hands up it, trying to reach as far with the injured arm as with the other. I seemed to be "climbing the wall" morning, noon and night. 

After watching me, the woman in the next bed said, "Excuse me, but what religion do you 
belong to?"

06/08/18 MURPHY'S CHURCH LAWS

1) If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.

2) If you can't get a sermon done working 20 hours a day, work nights.

3) When the Deacons talk about improving the churches spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.

4) In a committee meeting, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

5) There will always be empty soft drink cans rolling on the floorboard of your car when your head deacon asks for a ride home from church.

6) No matter how many sermons you prepare, you never prepare enough.

7) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard, a camera, or a Bible.

8) You are always doing something trivial when the Deacon Chairman drops by your office.

9) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

10) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

11) Keep the deacon chairman's wife off his back and you will succeed as a pastor.

12) Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13) Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.

14) Real Deacons/Elders realize that a clean desk is not necessarily a productive desk.

15) Any church employee can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she has been assigned to do.

16) Any great Sermon that contains no errors will develop errors when transmitted to your printer.

17) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

18) The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get.

19) After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

20) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

21) Following the rules will not get the job done.

22) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

23) A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.

24) Every sermon idea shalt beget another sermon idea.

25) When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"

26) The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.

05/08/18 WITH A 'G'

The pastor of a local church was well known for using acronyms in his sermons. He'd use things like Go N.U.T.S. (Never Underestimate the Spirit) Week. Most often his stories would have something to do with Jesus like the term WWJD. 

One Sunday he was preaching about the creation. Referring to the Earth, the young pastor asked the congregation, "Who made what we're standing on?" After a few moments of silence he said, "Come on folks, you know the answer, who made what we're standing on?" Again silence. Wanting to keep the sermon moving the pastor said, "OK, I'll give you a hint, it starts with a 'G'".

Much to the amusement of the congregation an elderly lady in the back suddenly yelled out, "I know, I know, it's Geezus."

04/08/18 THE SWIM

As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek. With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal. 

Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service. Naturally, I accepted. 

The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything. When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment. The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot. I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip. I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end. 

Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation. The curtain was down only to the top of the glass! An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.

03/08/18 A MATTER OF CHOICE

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

02/08/18 BEST MAN

Jeff had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting
dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of "cold feet". "I can't go through with it," he said.

"I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."

I said, "It's just PMS."

"PMS?" he asked.

"Yeah," I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome"

01/08/18 THE SOUP

Betty and Jane were making soup for a church potluck. Betty asked Jane:"Wanna see somthing Amazing?"

Jane said, "Sure"

Betty than picked up a turnip she was about to cut and started squeezing it. After a few minutes blood started coming out of it.

"I cant believe it!" Said Jane, "How did you do that?" Jane replied, 

"Did you forget? I'm the church treasurer."

31/07/18 BIBLE COLLEGE QUOTES

"In this lesson we are going to learn how to assist a person in drowning." First aid notes

"Stephen was stoned to death right at the end of his life." (unusual time to die!) Acts notes

"In your counselling career you may have to minister to victims of murder." Counselling notes (Communicating with the dead?)

"The Spirit of God was hoovering over the face of the waters." (for "hoovering" read "hovering. Maybe an Indiana thing? No, that would be hoosiering.)

"God really spoke to into my life through the lectures on Victorian Christian Living"(for "Victorian" read "Victorious")

"The Pastor spoke on 1 Corinthians 13 and this chapter has never meant as mush to me before." (for "mush" read "much")

"There are numerous angels from which one can approach this assignment." (for "angels" read "angles")

"Without the help from God, man is just a mere morsal wondering aimlessly." (for "morsal" read "mortal"; and for "wondering" read "wandering")

"Rebekah conceived and had two sons and even in her worm Jacob took hold of Esau's heel." (for "worm" read "womb")

Guatamala Buddha was deified by his followers long after his death. (for "Guatamala" read "Guatama"; or is it a new Latin Cult?)

30/07/18 BELLY BUTTONS

Did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons?

Of course they did. But they did not get them until God poked each one in the stomach and said; "Your done and your done."

29/07/18 WHAT IS GOD LIKE?

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. 

Here are some of the results: 

God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles. 

God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea. 

God is like COKE ... He's the real thing. 

God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best. 

God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind. 

God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life. 

God is like SEARS ... He has everything. 

God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like Him. 

God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there. 

God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are. 

God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him. 

God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather. 

God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.

28/07/18 CHILDREN SING--AND SLAUGHTER--WELL-KNOWN HYMNS

Sometimes kids get things a little......well, maybe these came from kids:

Give us this day our deli bread!
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
He carrots for you.
Bringing in the Sheets.
Yield Not to Penn Station.
Dust Around the Throne.
Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, here we go.
While shepherds washed their socks by night He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

- Selected from Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List.

27/07/18 THOSE BULLETIN BLOOPERS KEEP COMING

The Ladies Mission Team will sponsor a Christmas Arts and Crap Sale the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

Our Mission trip to Mexico will is specifically designed to reach Hispanics..

Anyone who submitted their own photos for the church directory may pick them up in the office. If you would like them nailed to you please contact the secretary. (ouch)

The Ladies Weight Loss Class will be holding a food drive for the church pantry next month.

We have agreed to sponsor six Somalian refugees. Volunteers are needed to help torture survivors.

The benevolent committee is working to help a family that had most of their belongings destroyed in a fire. In addition to general household goods they specifically need a washer and dryer and a mattress for a queer size bed.

The youth group has a couple of students who need assistance with homework. We have a special need for a volunteer Math tudor.

We will be serving a meal for the homeless at the Cooperative Ministries Outreach Center. There is a poster is in the narthex where you may sign up to be a sewer for the meal or bring food items.

The fitness center wellness program provides a condominium of care that has been beneficial to several of our seniors.

The paving company says they should be here to stripe the back parking lot Wednesday. Therefore, there will be no puking on the back lot during Wednesday night's activities. Trustees will be on duty to see that this is enforced.

The Thursday evening Bible Study Group will be working on Jobs during January and February.

The singing in the park will be a wonderful opportunity to praise the Lord in the great outdoors. Dress is casual. No shorts or Jeans..

The Senior's Fitness Group has found that dedication and constipation are the key to any successful exercise routine. For information joining the group please contact the office.

26/07/18 THE BIG BANG

I believe in the big bang theory: It happened like this..... 

God said let there be light and "bang!" there was light.

25/07/18 TIMELY SERMON

A local preacher gave an especially long-winded sermon at a small country church. As he was winding down the sermon, he apologized saying that he had forgotten to wear his watch that day.

At the end of the service as the minister was being greeted by members of the congregation down front, a parishioner smiled and gently reminded the pastor that all he had to do was turn around. 

When the minister looked behind the pulpit, he realized there was a rather large calendar on the wall in back of him.

24/07/18 CUTTING KINDNESS

A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of substitute. 

"If you break a window," he said, "and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute." 

After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him and wishing to compliment him actually said, "You were no substitute. You were a real pane."

23/07/18 WHERE AM I?

I grew up Catholic. During the service, there comes a time during the mass when the Holy Eucharist is lifted up by the priest, and simultaneously, to bring everyone to attention to the reverent moment, the altar boy rings a little bell.

One day at that precise time, my 4 year old God Child immediately stood to attention and yelled "The Ice Cream Man!" 

Even though it was supposed to be a reverent moment, the parishioners couldn't help but break into laughter.

20/07/18 YES - MORE BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Our readings Sunday illustrate one of the main problems with venison. What each person internalizes from a vision is often filtered and shaped by their fears, prejudices, expectations and desires.


Today's Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear

We will be taking an important vote on the building program during the business meeting Sunday night. Please join the leadership team in prayer and fisting as we make this important decision.

Don't forget that we'll be welcoming visitors to our community by manning the festival hospital tent this weekend.

MEMBERS AND GUESTS: Please sign an attendance sheet and place it in the collection plate. Deacons will be looking for abscesses that might need a call. If you are going to be gone on vacation, please indicate when you will be gone so the Deacons will not call you.

More and more churches across Canada are starting Healing Touch groups and more and more congregations have what is called "Parish Nurses"...individuals on staff who look after the pastoral health and healing of the congregation. At our recent Council meeting a 
staffing needs assessment process was announced. What staff are required to fulfill the ministry of St. Andrew's? Perhaps in view of our aging congregation we should consider a perish nurse. 

The Wednesday night fellowship dinner is $3 per person for adults, $2 for children under 12. Serving starts at 6:00 p.m. This week's meal will feature sweatish meatballs.

>From a Christian Music Association News Release: "Sales of Christian music were down about 10 percent for the first half of 2003. Industry sources blame shoplifting and music theft on the Internet."

Our piano player was ill and unable to attend worship service. The pastor announced we would all be singing "Acapulco". 

I want to thank all of you for your prayers and concern for me during my resent health problems.

Following Steve's concert we will take up a love offering. Many of you will remember Steve's parents who were in mucus ministry here some years ago.

We need volunteers for the food pantry. Please join us at 9:00 a.m. Saturday. We'll be gagging groceries for distribution.

KDVGC is offering anyone who plays in the church golf outing August 22nd a coupon for a round at half price during September. You will also get a free child under 12 for September.

The Acteens will be setting up a tutoring program to help younger students from the neighborhood. The school family resources center says the youngsters have a number of larning problems.

Rump Exhibit in Fellowship Hall This Week. Bill and Marsha Rump will have a weeklong exhibit of native crafts they collected during their 14 years of mission work in Africa. It will be open to the public from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. daily.

Sermon Fodder's Bulletin Bloopers 2003 Part IV is copyright 2003 by the Sermon Fodder list.

19/07/18 FREE WATER

A minister had several good illustrations that he used effectively in a sermon on "living water." At one point he said, "God's living water is like the water flowing in the Mississippi River. It's free." 

After the sermon a skeptic came up to him and observed, "If the water in the Mississippi river is free, why do you pass the plate to take up a collection during the church service." 

Unfazed the pastor replied, "Well, while the water is free, you do have to pay to 
get it piped directly to your door."

18/07/18 THE WITNESSING BARBER

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." 

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

17/07/18 DIRTY WATER

A Mother decided it was time that her three sons get baptised. So, after weeks of suitable instruction she felt that it was time. One bright Sunday morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, were have their sins washed away. 

The mother noticed that here 9 year old seemed to be particularly lost in thought so she asked him what was on his mind. 

"Mom, I want to go first." he replied.

"Why do you want to first?" she asked her son with a smile. 

"Because," he began with a pause in his voice, "I really don't want to be baptised in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."

16/07/18 THEY'RE SURE SMALL

What are the 2 smallest insects in the bible?

The widows mite and the wicked flee!

15/07/18 WAKE UP

My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.

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