A Christian joke for you each day

19/10/17 354. God's Answering Machine

I have learned to live with the answering machine as a necessary part of modernization. But I have often wondered - What if God decided to install an automated answering machine?

Imagine praying and hearing this - "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for a thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. For all other inquiries, press 4.

What if God used the familiar excuse: "All the Angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer? "If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1. For Michael, press 2. For any other Angel, press 3." "If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6." To find out if your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows." For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, wait 'till you get here!" "Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately." "This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday."

THANK GOD YOU CAN'T CALL HIM TOO OFTEN! YOU ONLY NEED TO RING ONCE, AND GOD HEARS YOU. BECAUSE OF JESUS, YOU NEVER GET A BUSY SIGNAL. GOD TAKES EACH CALL AND KNOW EACH CALLER PERSONALLY.

"Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here am I." Isaiah 58:9 NTV

18/10/17 353. A Little Bible Study Prophets Everyone

The following are some insights young Sunday school students turned in to their teachers:

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
The Seventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Parables mean there is more than one bull.

17/10/17 352. Noah's Ark

Noah's Ark if it happened today:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping....and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission." "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls." "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters on board, and still no owls." "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the new flood plain. I sent them a globe." "Right now, I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another 5 years."

Then the sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.

"No," the Lord said sadly. "The government already has."

16/10/17 351. Backward Christian Soldiers

Backward Christian Soldiers, Fleeing from the Fight
With The cross of Jesus nearly out of sight
Christ our rightful Master stands against the foe
But forward into battle we are loathe to go
Like a mighty tortoise moves the church of God
Brothers we are treading where we've often trod
We are much divided many bodies we,
Having different doctrines not much charity
Backward Christian soldiers fleeing from the fight
With the cross of Jesus nearly out of sight!

15/10/17 350. How Can I Get There?

There's the story of the new Pastor in town who got turned around on his very first Sunday on the way to the new church He stops the paperboy and gives him the street address and then adds "you know that's First Baptist Church."

The kid wants to help so he very politely says, "Oh sure, down three blocks, make a right, 2 blocks make a left and it's in the next block on your right."

The preacher is moved by this kind of friendship to a newcomer like himself so he says, "son, how'd you like me to tell you how you can get to Heaven?"

At this the kid laughs slightly and says, "How you gonna do that, you can't even find First Baptist?"

14/10/17 349. Pious Christian

Once there was a Christian, he had a pious look His consecration was complete except his pocketbook.
He'd go to Church and give his dollar and meekly close his eyes,
So glad his weekly rent was paid for his mansion in the skies.

13/10/17 348. Success With Maths

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATHS.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

12/10/17 347. The Consultant

There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a consultant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and the consultant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow consultants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The consultant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The consultant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the consultant, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

11/10/17 346. Hang On

A mountain climber, who was also a Christian, began to slip as he climbed a dangerous section of the mountain. In a flash he had fallen over the edge of a cliff and began to plunge downward when he thrust out his hand and grabbed a small tree that had grown out from between two rocks. As he hung there fearing the worse, but trying to figure out what to do, he suddenly heard a voice calling him from above, "Just trust me, let go of the branch, and I will save you." Pausing a moment while he glanced down, the climber called out, "Hey, is there anyone else up there?"

10/10/17 345. Noisy

Sunday School Teacher: "What evidence is there in the Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"

Boy: "They raised Cain!"

09/10/17 344. The Perfect Offertory Sermon

"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil."

08/10/17 343. Peanuts

A preacher visiting an elderly parishioner at a nursing home noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed and took one. As they talked. he couldn't help himself and ate one after another. By the time their visit was over, the bowl was empty.

"I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts," he said.

"That's OK," she replied. "They would have gone stale anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off."

07/10/17 342. The Guest

"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"

06/10/17 341. Unmerited Favour

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

05/10/17 340. A Minister Learns from a Student

A minister was chatting with a University student about the doctoral paper he was preparing. Through reading and exacting studies with many patients, the student was prepared to report that the type of conversation that went on in the operating room had a definite impact on the recovery rate of surgical patients.

The minister was especially interested in the finding that even though a patient under anaesthesia was totally "out of it", in a comatose like condition, positive conversation by doctors and other attendants had a very beneficial affect on the patient. As the pastor listened to this revelation, his face suddenly lit up, and he said, "At last I've found some hope for the people who attend the Sunday morning church service."

04/10/17 339. The Pope's Discovery

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next aeon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.

The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!

03/10/17 338. Monkey Talk

Two monkeys were discussing the theory of evolution while they passed the time in their zoo cage. Finally, one turned to the other and said, "Tell me; am I my keeper's brother?"

02/10/17 337. Golfing On Sunday

Bill Jenkins served as a deacon in a very strict, fundamentalist church. Skipping church to play golf would be considered a grave infraction, especially for someone in leadership. But the urge was greater than his ability to resist, and Bill found himself at the golf course on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning.

Nearing the end of a very enjoyable 18 holes of golf, Bill suddenly heard a voice from heaven calling out his name. "You may receive either a blessing or a punishment. Which will it be?" "Well, of course a blessing," Bill answered. "Then you may ask for one blessing, what will it be?" "Oh, I would love, just one time, to get a 'hole in one'".

So Bill teed up, took a few practice swings, and sent the ball soaring toward the next green. To his great delight, the ball bounced at the edge of the green, and slowly rolled to the flag and dropped in." "Thank you, thank you", Bill shouted toward the sky. "Well actually," the voice responded, "You asked for a blessing, but you have received a punishment instead."

"Why? What do you mean?" "Because", intoned the voice, "Who are you going to tell?"

01/10/17 336. Not Too Funny

Pastor Beaverson was approached by a visitor after the service. "Pastor", she said. "I really appreciated your sermon. However, there's just one thing. I still can't figure out what the connection was between your text and the rest of the sermon."

30/09/17 335. Cars in Heaven

It seems the head Deacon died and went to heaven. When Saint Peter met him at the gate, he explained that because of all of his good deeds done on earth, he would be given a Mercedes for his heavenly transportation. "It could have been a Rolls Royce", the Deacon commented. "But there were a number of deficiencies in your record, so this is the best we can do for you."

A while later, the Music Director died, and also appeared before Peter. He didn't fare quite so well, but was given a Yugo to drive. Although he accepted this graciously, inwardly he was upset, especially when he saw the head Deacon driving around heaven in his silver grey Mercedes.

Then one day, as the Deacon rounded a corner, he saw that the Music Director had had a terrible accident. His Yugo had crashed into a tree, and it appeared to be totally wrecked. And then he noticed that the Music Director was outside the car, and was laughing uncontrollably.

So the Deacon pulled his Mercedes to the curb, and jumped out to inquire what had happened. "What's going on?" he asked. "Why are you standing here laughing when you just smashed up your car?" "Because," said the Music Director between gasps for air, "I just saw Pastor Hester go by on roller blades."

29/09/17 334. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

A man appeared at the Pearly Gates and knocked. St. Peter came out and asked him what he wanted. He said "I want to get in please."

St. Peter asked him to name one thing nice he had done for someone during his life. He replied that one time he saved an old woman in front of a convenience store. She was getting beat up and shoved around by a large gang of bikers out front, and so "I just went up and kicked the biggest biker in the shins, and the old lady got away."

St. Peter was impressed, and asked, "How long ago did this happen?" The man replied as he looked at his watch, "Oh, about 25 seconds ago!"

28/09/17 333. Make Over

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no, and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

27/09/17 332. Sunday School Bloopers

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students.

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
* Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
* Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
* Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
* The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
* The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
* The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not ADMIT adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
* St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
* He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
* The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
* A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

26/09/17 331. Sparse Church Attendance

The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit.

Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.

25/09/17 330. Sleeping in Church

Perturbed that a man had fallen asleep during his sermon, the pastor called on an usher to wake the man. The usher retorted, "Why should I do that, Pastor? You should wake him up yourself, after all, you put him to sleep."

24/09/17 329. Surprise Punishment

A man appeared before St. Peter to receive news of his eternal fate. Peter said, "I have good news and bad. The good news is that you get to choose where you will spend eternity, the bad news it, it won't be heaven. Come, let me show you your choices."

So Peter took the man down a long corridor. After walking a bit, Peter opened a door so the man could look in. Inside was a huge room with a cement floor, filled with hundreds of people standing on their heads. The man said he wanted to see a couple of more rooms before deciding, so Peter took him to another room where hundreds of people were standing on their heads on a hard wood floor. In the next room they were on their heads in a carpeted area, so the man silently reasoned that each situation was a little more bearable.

Then Peter said, "I'll show you one more room, and then you must make your decision." In this room were hundreds of people floating in sitting up position, drinking coffee. But there was a terrible stench, for what they were sitting in was a combination of garbage and sewage. But reasoning that he probably could soon become accustomed to the smell, the man made his decision to be consigned for eternity in this room. As he settled down into the slop, a cup of coffee was handed to him.

However, it wasn't more than 10 minutes later when a small side door opened and out came a demon who yelled, "O.K. Coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

23/09/17 328. Substitute Preacher

A supply speaker was invited to fill in while the pastor was on vacation. He began his sermon by saying, "Today I'm just substituting for your Pastor, I kind of feel like the cardboard you temporarily place in the window while the glass is being repaired." Then he went on with his sermon.

At the end of the service, while shaking hands with parishioners, one said, "Remember what you said about feeling like a cardboard replacement? Well you shouldn't feel that way at all. Today you were a real pain."

22/09/17 327. Plenty of Fish

A young man, fresh out of seminary, became the pastor of a small rural church. On his first Sunday he announced his sermon by saying, "This morning I want to speak to you from the passage of Scripture where Jesus, with 5,000 loaves and 2,000 fishes fed 5 people. Everyone tried hard to not to laugh at the blunder, but one man, right down on the front row could not contain it, and laughed out loud.

So the next week the young pastor decided to redeem himself self by preaching from the same passage. "Today", he said, "I want to preach to you from the story where Jesus, with 5 loaves and 2 fishes fed 5,000." Then he confidently looked down at the man who had laughed the week before and said, "Now sir, could you have done that?"

"Why sure", the gentleman answered, "if I had was left over from last week."

21/09/17 326. Adam and Eve

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women.

So looking up to the Heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her act so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."

20/09/17 325. Chicken Dinner

After a community worship service, a farmer invited the local pastors, reverend, and priest back to the farm for dinner. At the meal, each clergy was served a whole young chicken. As the three returned to their cars, a rooster was seen strutting about, chest puffed out and held high. "He sure seems full of himself," commented the pastor. "He has good cause to be proud," answered the farmer. "He just had three of his children go into the ministry."

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