A Christian joke for you each day

29/06/17 240. Preacher and Choir Director

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the Pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

28/06/17 239. You Might Be a Protestant!

1. If you believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
3. If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
4. If you complain because your Pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.
5. If you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
6. If you think "Victory in Jesus" is the national anthem.
7. If the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
8. If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
9. If your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
10. If you think worship service music has to be loud.
11. If you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and unsalted crackers.
12. If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the Catholics.

27/06/17 238. Faith

The fields were parched and brown from lack of rain, and the crops lay wilting from thirst. People were anxious and irritable as they searched the sky for any sign of relief. Days turned into arid weeks. No rain came.

The ministers of the local churches called for an hour of prayer on the town square the following Saturday. They requested that everyone bring an object of faith for inspiration.

At high noon on the appointed Saturday the townspeople turned out en masse, filling the square with anxious faces and hopeful hearts. The ministers were touched to see the variety of objects clutched in prayerful hands - holy books, crosses, rosaries.
When the hour ended, as if on magical command, a soft rain began to fall. Cheers swept the crowd as they held their treasured objects high in gratitude and praise.

From the middle of the crowd one faith symbol seemed to overshadow all the others: A small nine-year-old child had brought an umbrella.

26/06/17 237. Top 10 Signs You're at a Bad Baptism Service

10. The Coast Guard is involved.
9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
8. Pastor wears scuba gear.
7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."
6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"
5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"
4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:
1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer

25/06/17 236. Dressed for Church

One Sunday morning, the congregation of a ritzy church, with vaulted ceilings, hand-carved oak pews, stained class windows, and a deep plush carpet, had a stir.

A man came in just minutes before the service was to begin. He was dressed terribly, had on ratty old boots, a dirty flannel shirt, jeans and a filthy cowboy hat. Besides that he must have not heard of deodorant. The congregation was not happy!

Several sent notes to the minister about their concern. So at the end of the service, the pastor greeted the wretchedly attired man and asked him if he enjoyed the service. The fellow exclaimed wholeheartedly that he had.

The minister invited him back but said, "Next time you come, please dress properly and take a shower. I want you to pray and ask Jesus about how He would want you to dress if you returned to His house." The fellow said he would.

Next week he came back, dressed the same way. Once again the congregation was very upset. At the end of the service, the minister greeted the fellow and asked, "Did you ask Jesus about how to dress for church here?"

"Oh yes," said the man, "I surely did." "And, what did He say to you," persisted the pastor.

"Well," said the fellow, "Jesus told me He didn't know how I should dress for this church, because He's never been here."

24/06/17 235. Clerical Clothes

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

23/06/17 234. Pope in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter escorts him in, and shows him to his mansion. The Mansion is huge, with angels circling the outside, and a massive deck at the rear where the Pope can watch the heavens in his robe and relax in his golden lounge chair.

St. Peter says, "Just make yourself at home, I have some errands to attend to and I'll be back to see that you're settled in.". The Pope eases into his golden lounge chair, and a small angel brings him a cool glass of water to sip, at which point a golden table appears out of nowhere, in just the right spot for the Pope to put down the glass between sips. The Pope is amazed further to find that the glass is always full when he picks it up, never running dry.

As he sits relaxing, the Pope watches other mansions float by on their clouds, and while finding them beautiful, he also observes that his is larger than any of them, as befits a Pope. Then from a distance, the Pope hears this amazing music; He looks to his left, and far away he sees a mansion ten times the size of his. Angels, cherubim, and seraphim are circling it, and then there's that wonderful music.....

As the mansion draws close, the music gets louder, and louder, and as it passes by, the Pope has to cover his ears, because of the sheer volume.

Later, St. Peter returns. The Pope says, "This is really wonderful. I have seen God's own mansion float by! There were angels, cherubim, seraphim, and this wonderful music...". "Wait a minute," say St. Peter. "Was the music really loud?" "Yes", said the Pope.

"That wasn't God's mansion, that was Jimi Hendrix' place." "Jimi Hendrix???!!!" said the Pope. "Why does he have a mansion ten times the size of mine? I was the leader of the Catholic Church!"

"Settle down!" said St. Peter. "We get you Popes in here all the time. We don't get many musicians."

22/06/17 233. The Children of Israel

At the Country Church Sunday School, the new teacher finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figure out."

"What's that, Joey?"

"Well, accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er-right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel

"Again you're right." fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher.

"So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin' all that time?"

21/06/17 232. Not Again!

A Lutheran minister gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

20/06/17 231. A Big GOD

A little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that? The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

19/06/17 230. Memorandum

TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph.Woodcrafters shop. Nazereth.

From: Jordan Management Consultants. Jerusalem.

Subject: Staff Aptitude Test.

Date :May 22/30

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

18/06/17 229. Three Religious Truths

There are three Religious Truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

17/06/17 228. Things We Wouldn't Know Without Sunday School

With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.

* Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
* A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
* Helium tanks should be chained down tightly.
* Cheap glue adheres to skin.
* Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.
* Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
* Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor.
* Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
* Hand-me-down sound systems can get loud when the adult service is taking communion.
* Ushers do not have a sense of humor.
* There IS a doggie Heaven.
* Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
* Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
* Girls are superior to boys.
* There are good reasons why pastor’s kids have a bad reputation.
* Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.

16/06/17 227. Timothy and Antonio

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."

15/06/17 226. Married in Heaven

A couple is driving to the chapel to get married. Tragically, they have an accident and both are instantly killed. They arrive in heaven, still so very much in love and petition an audience with God. They then ask God if they can still get married in heaven. God says that there is no reason to do so, it is not done, etc. The couple is persistent in professing their love and desire to be wed. God finally relents just a bit and says, "Okay, but first you must wait five years.

Five years go by; they are still eager to be wed, so they go to see God. And again, God tells them that they must wait another five years. The five years go by, and finally the couple has the wedding that they always dreamed of. However, after a few months, they begin to learn that being married is not the same as being engaged, and they appear before God seeking a divorce! God's response to their request: "What? It took Me 10 years to find a clergy person up here, and now you expect Me to find a lawyer?"

14/06/17 225. The Mummy's Heart Failure

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

13/06/17 224. WWJD?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in His Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's Gospel, in which Christ tells the crowd, "I did not speak of my own Accord."

Meanwhile, David rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of David's Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the apostles carpooled in a Honda: they were in one Accord.

12/06/17 223. Sleeping Through the Sermon

I was pastor of a small church in a rural community. Wilbur and his wife, Leah, attended every Sunday morning. Wilbur was a farmer, and whenever he came into the house from the field and sat down, he would fall asleep.

It was such a habit that when he came into church and sat in the pew he would also soon fall asleep. I discovered that some of the members of the church were taking bets to see how long I could keep Wilbur awake on Sunday mornings.

Wilbur's wife was embarrassed by his behavior, especially when he began to snore. She tried everything to keep her sleepy spouse awake. She complained to him that she was getting calluses on her elbow from poking him in the ribs in a futile attempt to keep him alert. One day while shopping in the grocery store, she saw a small bottle of Limburger cheese. Leah bought it and dropped it in her purse.

The next Sunday morning I had just started the sermon when Wilbur began to nod. When I finished the first point in my three-point sermon, I could see I was losing him. As I started the third point, Wilbur began to snore. Quietly, Leah opened her purse, took out the bottle of Limburger cheese and held it under her husband's nose. It worked. Wilbur sat up straight and, in a voice that could be heard all over the church, said, "Leah, will you please keep your feet on your own side of the bed!"

11/06/17 222. Apples and Cookies

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, "Take only one: God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want: God is watching the apples."

10/06/17 221. A Child's Prayer

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

His mother was pleased. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave," she said, "He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," replied Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

09/06/17 220. Want to be Married?

A wedding was planned immediately following the Sunday morning service. After the benediction the minister was supposed to call the couple to be married to the front of the church for the ceremony.

Unfortunately, his mind went blank, and he couldn't remember their names. So he asked for "those wanting to be married" to come to the front.

Nine single ladies, three of them widows; four widowers; and six single men came forward immediately.

08/06/17 219. Married Bliss

Adam and Eve had a unique advantage for starting married life: he didn't have to hear about the men she could have married and she didn't have to worry about not cooking things the way his mother cooked them.

07/06/17 218. Top 10 Reasons for Not Reading the Scripture

In one church, members were asked to read Joshua Chapter 1 in preparation for the following Sunday's sermon. A few members failed to read - here are their top ten excuses:

10. I was absent last week, and thought that the bulletin I received in the mail was for spending quality time making paper airplanes with my grandson.
9. I tried, but finally gave up trying to find the book of Joshua in my handy pocket New Testament.
8. I procrastinated until Saturday night, but the excitement of my wife's favorite WWF show was too distracting.
7. My dog ate my Great Chapters assignment sheet.
6. Spiritual giants like me read the Bible as guided from above, not as directed by mere man.
5. My Bible could not be found - prior to Y2k I had buried it in a metal box in the woods so I could access it when Anti-Christ takes over the world.
4. When the Pastor said "Joshua one", I thought he was telling us that "Joshua won" at the Israeli marathon race last week.
3. I'm a visual person so I looked at the Bible comic book pictures.
2. I'm an auditory person so I listened to the song, "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho".

And the number one top excuse for not reading the assigned Bible chapter:

1. I started to read the chapter, but then came under persecution when an officer pulled me over and forbade me to read while driving on I - 80.

06/06/17 217. Preaching and Praying

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold, Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete, Age 9, Phoenix.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert Anderson, Age 11, Miami.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty, Age 10, New Haven.

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette, Age 9, Albany.

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen, Age 8, Chicago.

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma.

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor, Age 12, Sarasota.

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie, Age 10, New York City.

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen, Age 9, Athens.

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you, Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh.

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua, Age 10, South Pasadena.

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher, Age 9, Titusville.

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla, Age 10, Salina.

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11, Akron.

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie, Age 9, Lewiston.

05/06/17 215. The Optimist Can't Win

Two friends, one an optimist, the other a pessimist, argued constantly from their own perspectives.

Finally, the optimist decided to win his friend over by taking him hunting. The two stood by the side of a small pond when a pheasant took to the wing. The optimist's shot was accurate, and the bird fluttered down onto the pond. An order was given, and the optimist's dog quickly ran across the water and brought back the fallen bird.

"So, what do you think about that?" asked the optimist.

The pessimist was quick with his answer,

"Well, I guess the poor dog doesn't know how to swim."

04/06/17 214. Joyful Response

A Sunday School teacher wanted to elicit the word HALLELUJAH from her class so asked,
"What is it people shout out with joy in our church?"

A bright young thing yelled out "BINGO!!!!!"

03/06/17 213. Little, But Smart

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to The Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to the Lord, which read:

"Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and as usual, they deducted 95 percent."

02/06/17 212. Ouch!

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

01/06/17 211. Modern Translation

A six year old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

31/05/17 210. Terrorist Cell Groups

Subject: TERRORIST CELL GROUPS DISCOVERED IN THE CHURCH

By Rev. Dennis Smart, alias Bin Readin
Edited by Carlton Earp, alias Bin Thinkin

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in Baptist churches. (Maybe other churches also?)

Church security identifies these as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy the pastors and the churches.

Earlier reports of a sixth group proved false. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Workin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. This group appears to be very weak. It is easy to detect because it is the only group that is active in services to Christ. Unlike the true terrorist cells, the Bin Workin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Workin visibly does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Workin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Prayin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

Which cell group do you belong to?

These same groups have been detected in other denominations since Smart first filed his report. The Office of Home Church Security is co-ordinating its efforts with the Bin Workin group to interdict the activities of the five terrorist cells now known to be active throughout many churches worldwide.

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