A Christian joke for you each day

15/06/19 DRIVING

A young lad who had just got his driving licence asked his minister father if he could drive his car.

"I'll make a deal with you said his father. "If you improve your grades, study your Bible a little more and cut your hair, we will talk again in a month."

A month later the son again approached his father, who said, "Son, I am real proud of you. Your grades have improved greatly and you have been diligent in your Bible Study. But you still haven't cut your hair.'

"But dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair so did Moses and Noah, and maybe Jesus too."

"Yes son," his dad replied, "and they walked everywhere they went!"

14/06/19 9. Church Bulletin Bloopers

*** The scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

*** The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not inflicted with any church.

*** Evening Massage ' 6pm.

*** The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

*** The congregation is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

13/06/19 7. Sermon to Order

After the praise and worship the pastor got up and said, " For today I have prepared 3 sermons. A $10 hell raiser on fire and brimstone that will take an hour and a half to deliver, a $50 exposition on the evils of sin that will take 45 minutes to give, along with a $100, 10 minute gem on love and generosity. We will now take the collection to see which you vote for!"

12/06/19 8. Child Power!

At the end of a series of lessons on the adventures of the Children of Israel, Johnny put up his hand and asked a question.

"Yes Johnny," said the teacher.

"There's something I can't work out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea." "Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines and built the Temple and did lots of other things too. "That's right Johnny."

"Please tell me Sir then, what were all the grown ups doing?"

11/06/19 6. You Can Bank On It!

A woman went into the bank to cash a cheque before going Christmas shopping.

"What denominations would you like?" asked the Teller.

"Oh, good heavens ' has it come to this!" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptists and 50 Presbyterians, please."

10/06/19 5. The Flock

Three priests were having lunch in a restaurant. 

One said, "You know, all summer I have been having trouble with bats in the belfry. I've tried everything to get rid of them - noise, spray, cats ' but nothing works.

Me too, said the second. I've got hundreds living there too. I even had the place fumigated, but still they stay.

That's simple, said the third. "I baptised all mine ' made them members of the church'.. Haven't had a single one back since!"

09/06/19 4. Trumped!

There were two rich brothers who looked great on the outside, even attending church regularly, but whose hearts were evil.

A new, more astute pastor arrived at the church. The congregation grew and a fund raising campaign was started to extend the church.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The day before the funeral the remaining brother sidled up to the pastor and gave him a cheque for the full amount needed to complete the extensions. "Just one condition, he said. At the funeral you must say that my brother was a saint. 

The pastor gave him his word and deposited the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor let it all go. "He was an evil man, he said, hard on his wife and family, corrupt in business, and on and on. He concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

08/06/19 3. The Best Intentions of Ministers and Men...;..

The noted Evangelist arrived in the city to conduct a series of crusades. At his Press Conference the day before the first meeting, he asked the reporters not to report the examples he quoted to them, as he wished to use them in his meetings. 

The next day's paper came out with a fine story on the meetings to start that very day and concluded, "The Evangelist also told a number of stories that cannot be repeated! (One way of ensuring a good attendance! DJT)

07/06/19 2. Sunday Savings

Johnny (It's okay all you Johnny's ' don't be offended - John is my second name too!) came skipping into the house with a big 'all day sucker' in his mouth. "Where did you get it? his mother asked."

"I bought it with the dollar you gave me."

"But the dollar I gave you was for Sunday School!"

"I know mum, but the minister met me at the door and let me in for free!"

06/06/19 1. Modern Day Religion

A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favourite Old Testament story. Moving around the class she saw many beautiful and moving drawings. Then she came to Johnny (why is it always Johnny?) and saw his picture of a man driving an old car. 

"It's a lovely picture Johnny, but what is the story?"

It's simple, Miss, "Doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden!"

05/06/19 THE CENTIPEDE

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,(100-legged bug), 

which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

 

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......

This time, a little voice came out of the box"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

04/06/19 PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
  
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
  
Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others
  
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3 

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666. 

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.      
 

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. 

Thank you and have a heavenly day. 

03/06/19 TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. 

After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means." I

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that now does not."

02/06/19 VANITY, VANITY

Once in a saintly passion, I cried with desperate grief

'Oh Lord, my heart is black with guile
Of sinners I am chief'
Then stooped my guardian angel
And whispered from behind
'Vanity, my little man
You're nothing of the kind'
(With thanks to Sheila McAllister)

01/06/19 PRIEST'S COLLAR

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

'..Doc's Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of 'Christian Voices' (christianvoices@att.net)

31/05/19 CRYING

At the end of a wonderful service the Pastor stood outside to say goodbye to his congregation. As he approached Mrs McKenzie he remarked; 'I am sorry Mrs McKenzie but I noticed that little Jimmy was crying throughout the service. Is he alright?'. 'Sure' said Mrs McKenzie, 'He's just teething'. 'I see' said the Pastor, 'and what about your husband? I noticed he was also crying throughout the service'. 'He's fine' said Mrs McKenzie, 'He's just tithing.'

30/05/19 THE CHEERFUL GIVER

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because II Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver."

As the plate was passed a little boy in the second pew quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate.

His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing.

The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

'..Doc's Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of 'Christian Voices' (ChristianVoices@att.net)

AMEN, AMEN and AMEN! - David!

29/05/19 WORSHIP RESPONSE

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

'..Doc's Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of 'Christian Voices' (ChristianVoices@att.net)

28/05/19 ANOTHER LIST OF CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS!!

Rarely does anyone ever create the Sunday bulletin and then run it by the pastor or a few sanctified editors for things like punctuation, clarity, etc'but maybe we should. Why do I say that, you ask? Well, read the following list of actual church bulletin bloopers and you'll understand why.

These are funny, embarrassing, hilarious, and'oh, just read them yourself. Enjoy, and share them with someone at your church who needs a good laugh!

1. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

2. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

3. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

4. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.

5. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

6. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

7. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

8. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'

9. Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

10. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

11. A worm welcome to all who have come today.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons.

13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.

16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

17. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

18. Don't let worry kill you off ' let the church help.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

20. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

27/05/19 FIRST MEDICINE IN THE BIBLE

When I was a boy, I was asked where medicine is first mentioned in the Bible. The answer given From Exodus 31: 18 was: 'When God gave Moses two tablets.' At a Mowbray Baptist Church Neighbourhood Bible Study Group in Cape Town, South Africa, one of the members, a pastor from Zambia, said that when he had read that verse in family devotions recently, his young son had asked him: 'Dad, were they Apple or Microsoft Tablets?' 

If you do not "GET" this, ask your grandchild.

26/05/19 CHOCOLATE CHIP CHILDREN'S CHURCH

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

25/05/19 THE STOVE

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a serious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked 
on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about 
the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast iron. What was strange about it was its location - it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

'With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

24/05/19 YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A LARGE URBAN CHURCH WHEN...

By Charlotte Riegel

~ You have to ride a shuttle bus to get to the worship center

~ You stand in line waiting for the previous service to end and when it does, you feel as if you are swimming upstream

~ You have attended the same church, at the same time each weekend, for the past month and have not heard the same preacher twice

~ You wonder why there are hymn books in the pew rack that are never used

~ Baptisms take place any time of the week in the atrium water feature

~ You can meet with a leader of the church in the atrium coffee shop

~ There is a 400-seat prayer chapel besides the 2000+ seat main sanctuary

~ You have to speak with a pastor through the appropriate administrative assistant after getting past a receptionist

~ The staff are required to wear picture ID tags

Copyright 2004 Charlotte Riegel. Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes. Special thanks to our friends at Mikey's Funnies. To subscribe go to http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

23/05/19 IN A HURRY

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

22/05/19 THE SERMON

Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down. 

When the service was over, I went to greet people at the front door. Three adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

21/05/19 THE TRIP

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

20/05/19 12 REASONS WHY A PASTOR QUIT ATTENDING SPORTING EVENTS

1. The coach never came to visit me.
2. Every time I went, they asked for money.
3. The people sitting in my row didn't seem very friendly.
4. The seats were very hard.
5. The referees made a decision I didn't agree with.
6. I was sitting with hypocrites'they only came to see what others were wearing!
7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
8. The band played some songs I had never heard before.
9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands.
10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
11. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyway.
12. I don't want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

19/05/19 SEEKING WISE COUNSEL

The presiding judge in a case involving a man charged with tax evasion was known for his dry sense of humor. As the defendant stood before him alone, the judge asked if he had counsel. Looking toward the ceiling, the man replied, "Jesus Christ is my counselor and defender."

The wise Judge nodded slowly while carefully framing his next question, which was, "Sir, do you have LOCAL counsel?"

18/05/19 ELECTING TO RECEIVE

It was Super Bowl Sunday, and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced: "The ushers have elected to receive!"

17/05/19 THE TOAST

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Fr. Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."

"Well," Fr. Flannagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."

An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.

The final ruling is negative, however. It read: "It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it more likely resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."

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