Laughing at Ourselves
A Christian joke for you each day
It was the Fourth of July and the fireworks had lit up the sky.
As the last one burned out, a four-year-old piped up, "Daddy, do God's feet ever get burned?"
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be....?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk."
29/03/22 SIGNS THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH
14. You share your pastor with another church on a "circuit" basis.
13. You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his
family is half the congregation.
12. Your entire choir is absent when your Southern Gospel Quartet
goes on the road for a singing (think about it).
11. You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is
being remodeled (Yes, this really happened because I was there).
10. The Deacon board (Elder's Council, Parish Council, Pastor/Parish
Relations Committee, Session, etc.) is equal to, or greater than,
half the Sunday morning attendance (Bd mem. = or > attendance X .50 =
sm. church).
9. The church bus is a mini-van that only carries seven passengers.
8. Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly
from his "other" job.
7. Offering is taken up only once a month.
6. Youth group age goes to 30.
5. Senior Adults age start at 40.
4. Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids
goes on vacation.
3. There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.
2. Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH
1. Vestibule is also used as the Fellowship Hall.
28/03/22 THE BAPTIST FAMILY AND THE DOG
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
27/03/22 BIGGER BULLETIN BLOOPERS
For Father's Day each father present was given a pine tree or apple tree seedling to be planted along with his children.
The Lord commanded Peter to Feed my sleep.
"Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning. Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!"
Please be in prayer for Jim and Judy, their baby daughter was born 9 months premature.
The Women's Missionary Union will meet the first yesterday in January.
The Rev. Dr. Albert Jones, our featured speaker for the breakfast, also blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed the meal.
Women on Missions (WOMS) will meet Thursday at noon. Childhood will be provided in the nursery.
The scholarship committee is accepting applications for church members attending a Baptist affiliated college this fall. Applications and guidelines are available in the vestibule. The Appalachians should be submitted by July 1st.
We will vote on six new deacons next Sunday. The following ordained men have agreed to serve if elated.
Dr. Grimes was the featured speaker for the Seniors Group. He noted that you can often avoid those usual winter colds if you avoid fatigue, loss of sleep and over-creating.
You're invited to join the Sunset Club, our church seniors group. Activities include community singing, dancing, dramatic efforts, and table games. The group is composed solely of participanting members.
Members of the Senior's Breakfast Club stretched and strained Thursday morning as Swan Johnson, local physical therapist, demonstrated several exercises during the club meeting. There will be no meeting next week.
The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.
The Halloween Alternative Festival will be from 6:00 p.m. to 9:30 Thursday. No costumes will be permitted.
Please take note that the item in last weeks newsletter about the Halloween Alternative Festival should have read, "No scary or frightening costumes will be permitted."
The singles group will be participating in the Relay for Life next Friday to raise money for cancer research. The walk starts at 7:00p.m. with the luminary at 9:30. Walkers please remember to bring a pair of heavy rocks and comfortable walking shoes.
Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Singles Ministry Building this Saturday. We need lots of singles to volunteer for the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows need extra attention.
"Bulletin Bloopers 2003 Part III is copyright 2003 by The Sermon Fodder List and Joke A Day Ministries.
Actual Bible College quotes! 2001
"When you boil water in the cattle the steam is very hot." (For "cattle" read "kettle")
"Sometimes I have my quiet time before I wake up in the morning."
"The spirit of the diseased will haunt the family that are living until they have sacrificed." (For "diseased" read "deceased")
"We read in the newspapers how the Pop travels around the world." (For "Pop" read "Pope")
"We need to read the Bible as a hole to determine what God's will is..." (for "hole" read "whole")
"Jesus expects the world to bow beaver Him." (For "beaver" read "before")
"Freedom of Religion has allowed Buddhists... to influenza the society." (For "influenza" read "influence")
"They say Jesus is just a good person like Guatemala, Krishna and Confucius." (For "Guatemala" read "Gautama")
"When I was growing up I was exposed to all sorts of evil...things like girls..." (ASM Application)
"The call on me to save God was so intense such that I could not just help it." (For "save" read "serve"; ASM Application)
"The draft faculty policy document "is a complication of all the policies made over the past few years." (For "complication" read "compilation") Faculty Meeting Minutes
"God allows His people to go through tuft times to test their faith." (For "tuft" read "tough")
"People should do good things and live sin..." (For "live" read "leave")
"...And surly I am with you always to the very end of the age." (For "surly" read "surely")
"...Jesus resurrection will bring about... our waling in newness of life." (For "waling" read "walking")
"the greatest single cause of atheism today is those who acknowledge Jesus with their but..." (Read "acknowledge Jesus with their mouth, but deny him with their lives.")
'First I am trying to start a relationship with people and missionaries that stay in Madagascar so that I have a staring point when I get there." (For "staring" read "starting")
"God will show me in which aria he wants to use me in." (For "aria" read "area")
"He is helping me to start care-to-shear groups that can look after me while I am on the mission field. (For "shear" read "share")
"I got an extension due to a power failure from the lecturer." (Read "I got an extension from the lecturer due to a power failure!")
"We are not to put the yolk of tradition upon their heads." (For "yolk" read "yoke")
"Israel went into the dessert and at Sinai God made a covenant with them." (For "dessert" read "desert")
My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
What are the 2 smallest insects in the bible?
The widows mite and the wicked flee!
A Mother decided it was time that her three sons get baptised. So, after weeks of suitable instruction she felt that it was time. One bright Sunday morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, were have their sins washed away.
The mother noticed that here 9 year old seemed to be particularly lost in thought so she asked him what was on his mind.
"Mom, I want to go first." he replied.
"Why do you want to first?" she asked her son with a smile.
"Because," he began with a pause in his voice, "I really don't want to be baptised in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."
22/03/22 THE WITNESSING BARBER
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"
A minister had several good illustrations that he used effectively in a sermon on "living water." At one point he said, "God's living water is like the water flowing in the Mississippi River. It's free."
After the sermon a skeptic came up to him and observed, "If the water in the Mississippi river is free, why do you pass the plate to take up a collection during the church service."
Unfazed the pastor replied, "Well, while the water is free, you do have to pay to
get it piped directly to your door."
20/03/22 YES - MORE BULLETIN BLOOPERS
ur readings Sunday illustrate one of the main problems with venison. What each person internalizes from a vision is often filtered and shaped by their fears, prejudices, expectations and desires.
Today's Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear
We will be taking an important vote on the building program during the business meeting Sunday night. Please join the leadership team in prayer and fisting as we make this important decision.
Don't forget that we'll be welcoming visitors to our community by manning the festival hospital tent this weekend.
MEMBERS AND GUESTS: Please sign an attendance sheet and place it in the collection plate. Deacons will be looking for abscesses that might need a call. If you are going to be gone on vacation, please indicate when you will be gone so the Deacons will not call you.
More and more churches across Canada are starting Healing Touch groups and more and more congregations have what is called "Parish Nurses"...individuals on staff who look after the pastoral health and healing of the congregation. At our recent Council meeting a
staffing needs assessment process was announced. What staff are required to fulfill the ministry of St. Andrew's? Perhaps in view of our aging congregation we should consider a perish nurse.
The Wednesday night fellowship dinner is $3 per person for adults, $2 for children under 12. Serving starts at 6:00 p.m. This week's meal will feature sweatish meatballs.
>From a Christian Music Association News Release: "Sales of Christian music were down about 10 percent for the first half of 2003. Industry sources blame shoplifting and music theft on the Internet."
Our piano player was ill and unable to attend worship service. The pastor announced we would all be singing "Acapulco".
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and concern for me during my resent health problems.
Following Steve's concert we will take up a love offering. Many of you will remember Steve's parents who were in mucus ministry here some years ago.
We need volunteers for the food pantry. Please join us at 9:00 a.m. Saturday. We'll be gagging groceries for distribution.
KDVGC is offering anyone who plays in the church golf outing August 22nd a coupon for a round at half price during September. You will also get a free child under 12 for September.
The Acteens will be setting up a tutoring program to help younger students from the neighborhood. The school family resources center says the youngsters have a number of larning problems.
Rump Exhibit in Fellowship Hall This Week. Bill and Marsha Rump will have a weeklong exhibit of native crafts they collected during their 14 years of mission work in Africa. It will be open to the public from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. daily.
Sermon Fodder's Bulletin Bloopers 2003 Part IV is copyright 2003 by the Sermon Fodder list.
I grew up Catholic. During the service, there comes a time during the mass when the Holy Eucharist is lifted up by the priest, and simultaneously, to bring everyone to attention to the reverent moment, the altar boy rings a little bell.
One day at that precise time, my 4 year old God Child immediately stood to attention and yelled "The Ice Cream Man!"
Even though it was supposed to be a reverent moment, the parishioners couldn't help but break into laughter.
A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of substitute.
"If you break a window," he said, "and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute."
After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him and wishing to compliment him actually said, "You were no substitute. You were a real pane."
A local preacher gave an especially long-winded sermon at a small country church. As he was winding down the sermon, he apologized saying that he had forgotten to wear his watch that day.
At the end of the service as the minister was being greeted by members of the congregation down front, a parishioner smiled and gently reminded the pastor that all he had to do was turn around.
When the minister looked behind the pulpit, he realized there was a rather large calendar on the wall in back of him.
I believe in the big bang theory: It happened like this.....
God said let there be light and "bang!" there was light.
15/03/22 THOSE BULLETIN BLOOPERS KEEP COMING
The Ladies Mission Team will sponsor a Christmas Arts and Crap Sale the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
Our Mission trip to Mexico will is specifically designed to reach Hispanics..
Anyone who submitted their own photos for the church directory may pick them up in the office. If you would like them nailed to you please contact the secretary. (ouch)
The Ladies Weight Loss Class will be holding a food drive for the church pantry next month.
We have agreed to sponsor six Somalian refugees. Volunteers are needed to help torture survivors.
The benevolent committee is working to help a family that had most of their belongings destroyed in a fire. In addition to general household goods they specifically need a washer and dryer and a mattress for a queer size bed.
The youth group has a couple of students who need assistance with homework. We have a special need for a volunteer Math tudor.
We will be serving a meal for the homeless at the Cooperative Ministries Outreach Center. There is a poster is in the narthex where you may sign up to be a sewer for the meal or bring food items.
The fitness center wellness program provides a condominium of care that has been beneficial to several of our seniors.
The paving company says they should be here to stripe the back parking lot Wednesday. Therefore, there will be no puking on the back lot during Wednesday night's activities. Trustees will be on duty to see that this is enforced.
The Thursday evening Bible Study Group will be working on Jobs during January and February.
The singing in the park will be a wonderful opportunity to praise the Lord in the great outdoors. Dress is casual. No shorts or Jeans..
The Senior's Fitness Group has found that dedication and constipation are the key to any successful exercise routine. For information joining the group please contact the office.
14/03/22 HILDREN SING--AND SLAUGHTER--WELL-KNOWN HYMNS
Sometimes kids get things a little......well, maybe these came from kids:
Give us this day our deli bread!
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
He carrots for you.
Bringing in the Sheets.
Yield Not to Penn Station.
Dust Around the Throne.
Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, here we go.
While shepherds washed their socks by night He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
- Selected from Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List.
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like Him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
"In this lesson we are going to learn how to assist a person in drowning." First aid notes
"Stephen was stoned to death right at the end of his life." (unusual time to die!) Acts notes
"In your counselling career you may have to minister to victims of murder." Counselling notes (Communicating with the dead?)
"The Spirit of God was hoovering over the face of the waters." (for "hoovering" read "hovering. Maybe an Indiana thing? No, that would be hoosiering.)
"God really spoke to into my life through the lectures on Victorian Christian Living"(for "Victorian" read "Victorious")
"The Pastor spoke on 1 Corinthians 13 and this chapter has never meant as mush to me before." (for "mush" read "much")
"There are numerous angels from which one can approach this assignment." (for "angels" read "angles")
"Without the help from God, man is just a mere morsal wondering aimlessly." (for "morsal" read "mortal"; and for "wondering" read "wandering")
"Rebekah conceived and had two sons and even in her worm Jacob took hold of Esau's heel." (for "worm" read "womb")
Guatamala Buddha was deified by his followers long after his death. (for "Guatamala" read "Guatama"; or is it a new Latin Cult?)
Betty and Jane were making soup for a church potluck. Betty asked Jane:"Wanna see somthing Amazing?"
Jane said, "Sure"
Betty than picked up a turnip she was about to cut and started squeezing it. After a few minutes blood started coming out of it.
"I cant believe it!" Said Jane, "How did you do that?" Jane replied,
"Did you forget? I'm the church treasurer."
Jeff had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting
dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of "cold feet". "I can't go through with it," he said.
"I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."
I said, "It's just PMS."
"PMS?" he asked.
"Yeah," I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome"
A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.
The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."
A minister with a large family of seven children moved to a new city. He and his wife didn't want to buy a home immediately. They wanted to rent a townhouse until they could get a feel for the area and choose a home where their kids would be in good schools and they could be conveniently located.
They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having a family of nine occupy the place.
In frustration, one day the father asked the mother to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery. She was puzzled by his request, but went along. He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.
The place was perfect and the father told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, "I see you have children. How many are there in the family?"
The minister gave out with a deep sigh, then said, "Seven ... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the townhouse.
As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek. With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.
Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service. Naturally, I accepted.
The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything. When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment. The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot. I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip. I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.
Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation. The curtain was down only to the top of the glass! An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.
The pastor of a local church was well known for using acronyms in his sermons. He'd use things like Go N.U.T.S. (Never Underestimate the Spirit) Week. Most often his stories would have something to do with Jesus like the term WWJD.
One Sunday he was preaching about the creation. Referring to the Earth, the young pastor asked the congregation, "Who made what we're standing on?" After a few moments of silence he said, "Come on folks, you know the answer, who made what we're standing on?" Again silence. Wanting to keep the sermon moving the pastor said, "OK, I'll give you a hint, it starts with a 'G'".
Much to the amusement of the congregation an elderly lady in the back suddenly yelled out, "I know, I know, it's Geezus."
1) If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.
2) If you can't get a sermon done working 20 hours a day, work nights.
3) When the Deacons talk about improving the churches spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.
4) In a committee meeting, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
5) There will always be empty soft drink cans rolling on the floorboard of your car when your head deacon asks for a ride home from church.
6) No matter how many sermons you prepare, you never prepare enough.
7) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard, a camera, or a Bible.
8) You are always doing something trivial when the Deacon Chairman drops by your office.
9) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
10) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
11) Keep the deacon chairman's wife off his back and you will succeed as a pastor.
12) Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
13) Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.
14) Real Deacons/Elders realize that a clean desk is not necessarily a productive desk.
15) Any church employee can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she has been assigned to do.
16) Any great Sermon that contains no errors will develop errors when transmitted to your printer.
17) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
18) The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get.
19) After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
20) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
21) Following the rules will not get the job done.
22) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
23) A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.
24) Every sermon idea shalt beget another sermon idea.
25) When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"
26) The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.
Following my arm operation, the hospital physical therapist taught me exercises to strengthen it. In one, called "climbing the wall," I faced a wall and "walked" the fingers of both hands up it, trying to reach as far with the injured arm as with the other. I seemed to be "climbing the wall" morning, noon and night.
After watching me, the woman in the next bed said, "Excuse me, but what religion do you
belong to?"
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
02/03/22 AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I
figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"